Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Fri Mar 03, 2006 11:57 am

A customer at a high dollar eatery was asked by the waiter, " How did you find your steak, sir?
The customer replied, " Well, I moved this little piece of lettuce and there it was."

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Fri Mar 03, 2006 4:29 pm

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a person should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Fri Mar 03, 2006 6:58 pm

Wade, I thought this thread was supposed to be funny--not factual. What gives?

XtremeEuph · Post by **XtremeEuph** » Fri Mar 03, 2006 11:43 pm

someone may have already posted this but i dotn feel like reading 19 pages of "nothing to do all day" jibberish........

My #26 is

: When your Friday funnies arent on Friday anymore.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Sat Mar 04, 2006 11:36 am

Well, if Wade started it, he can just go back and change the name to "FunNet Tubies" or whatever...

Carroll · Post by **Carroll** » Sat Mar 04, 2006 6:37 pm

XtremeEuph wrote:someone may have already posted this but i dotn feel like reading 19 pages of "nothing to do all day" jibberish........

Then don't.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Sat Mar 04, 2006 6:40 pm

XtremeEuph wrote:someone may have already posted this but i dotn feel like reading 19 pages of "nothing to do all day" jibberish...

Gosh. I know I do, every time, just in case someone edited a post on page 8...

Viggofonen · Post by **Viggofonen** » Sun Mar 05, 2006 6:45 am

windshieldbug wrote:Gosh. I know I do, every time, just in case someone edited a post on page 8...

Then why don't you read just page 8?

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Sun Mar 05, 2006 2:15 pm

... and I know that I, for one, rarely, if ever, post to this thread on Monday. Besides, this is a public service; keeping those otherwise iterated emails from being repeated ENDLESSLY and using up valuable bandwidth!

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Sun Mar 05, 2006 10:18 pm

That was another bad one, Bill. True, perhaps, but bad.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Mon Mar 06, 2006 10:00 am

(OK, this time it IS Monday... )

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one
guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly,
"Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I!
And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers,
"I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds,
"Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in
Dublin?"

The other guy says,
"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old
central part of town."

The first guy says,
"Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!!
And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers,
"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says,
"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers,
"Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims,
"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar
tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own
self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Mon Mar 06, 2006 7:25 pm

A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

EuphDad · Post by **EuphDad** » Tue Mar 07, 2006 1:41 pm

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me they are not, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.

Carroll · Post by **Carroll** » Wed Mar 08, 2006 11:34 pm

I don't how many of you shop at Home Depot, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me at Home Depot and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 25-year-old girls come over as you are loading what you bought in the bed of your truck. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday.

So please be careful!

XtremeEuph · Post by **XtremeEuph** » Wed Mar 08, 2006 11:37 pm

lmao dreamer............ wouldnt that be nice, especially if you got your wallet back. lol

CJ Krause · Post by **CJ Krause** » Thu Mar 09, 2006 12:41 am

lady goes

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Thu Mar 09, 2006 3:49 pm

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
.
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his
hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Mar 10, 2006 11:51 am

Happy early St. Patricks' day!!!

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years,
but he will kill any man who does.
---------------------------

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
---------------------------

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves
is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
---------------------------

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
-----------------------

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple
Answer - So the English can understand them.
-----------------------

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced,
"Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
-----------------------

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
-----------------------

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantlepiece?"

"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
-----------------------

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
-----------------------

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
-----------------------

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
-----------------------

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
-----------------------

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Mar 10, 2006 11:54 am

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

=====<<>>=====

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Mar 10, 2006 4:47 pm

OOOOOOOOOOOORAH! and semper fi