Redneck jokes

[Brassdad]

Bobby-joe and Jed were driving in Jeds truck

Jed pulled over, got out and pointed down yawnder and said, "Thats where I first had sex."

Bobby-Joe asked,"How was it."

Jed said,"It was great til' I looked up and saw her mom was watching."

Bobby-Joe said,"Oh hell, what did she say??"

Jed repiled "Baaa"

[Brassdad]

There is a Redneck Cop sleeping in his cruiser one night.

All of a sudden he is awakened by a loud crash.

The cop gets out of his car and walks up the road a piece when he notices a car in the ditch.

"Damn" he says, "There's a car in the ditch!"

He takes out his notebook and writes "car in D-I-T-C-H" for his report.

He walk up the raod a bit further and notices another car in the ditch.

So he writes "another car in ditch....D-I-T-C-H" for his report.

The cop decides to head back to his car to make the report when he notices a head in the middle of the boulevard.

"Damn, somebody's head's in the middle of the boulevard!"

He gets out his notebook again and begins writing "head in middle of"

Then he thinks, boulevard? "B-O..." no, no "B-U..."

"Aww hell" he says and he kicks the head into the ditch

"D-I-T-C-H"

[windshieldbug]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

[windshieldbug]

Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

[chevy68chv]

A boy and a girl from rural Alabama were married in a nice country ceremony. As the party started settling down and the night set in the boy and girl went to consommate the marriage. About five minutes later the boy bursts back into the room and yells to his father "Pa! Shes a virgin!"

The boys father replies furiously "a virgin? Well thats it. If she's not good enough for her own family then shes not good enough for ours!"

[Brassdad]

redneck joke:

Looks like a no-neck joke to me.
Wonder what she was tryin' ta swaller?

[windshieldbug]

I'm confused. I can't get a definitive answer as to whether I'm Mason-Dixonally Challenged or not...

[Brassdad]

Top ten signs a redneck may have used your computer.

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

[Brassdad]

Redneck computer terms:

"Hard drive" --
Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

"Keyboard" --
1. Place to hang your truck keys.
2. Whare you're supposed to put da keys so da wife can find 'em.

"Window" --
Place in the truck to hang your guns.

"Modem" --
1. How you got rid of your dandelions.
2. What you did to da hay fields last July.

"ROM" --
Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Byte" --
First word in a kiss-off phrase.

"Reboot" --
What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

"Network" --
Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

"Mouse" --
1. Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
2. What leaves those little turds in da cupboard.

"LAN" --
To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

"Cursor" --
What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

"Bit" --
A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."

"Digital Control" --
What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

"Packet" --
What you do to Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

"Tab" --
1. Anceint soft drink, used to mix low calorie drinks with white lightnin
2. The amount of money you owe the bartender out of your next paycheck.

"Space bar" --
Where aliens and astronauts go when they are thirsty.

"Backspace" --
The place in back of front seat of the car where you keep a case of beer.

"Alt" --
Form of verb "be" like, "I alt be gone now."

"Delete" --
The lighter object like, "Don't gimmy the heavy one, gimmy the delete one."

"My Briefcase" --
What you put all your ol' stuff in when "she" gets mad at you.

"Shift" --
What you must do when blue lights come on.


"Ram" --
1. Dodge pick up truck.
2. Da hydraulic thing that makes da woodsplitter work.

"Rom" --
Wander: "Wher' ya goin?" "Ah dunnow. Recon I'll jus rom round"

"Refresh" --
Pour another Jack Daniels.

"Browser" --
Bowser's name when you're drunk.

"Web" --
What spiders make, tickles yer butt when you gotta go while in the woods.

"Edit" --
Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.

"Gig" --
Frogging implement; frog gig. Used while air boating. A bamboo, or fiberglass pole with straightened fish hooks on the business end for spearing frogs.

"Internet" --
Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).

"Buddy list" --
Names and phone numbers on the inside wall of the public outhouse above the hole.

"Shift" --
What you do to get that truck to go.

"Ins" --
To Enter, as in, "Ins ya go, outs you go".

"Log On" --
Making da wood stove hotter.

"Log Off " --
Don't add wood.

"Monitor" --
1. Keep an eye on da wood stove.
2. What you do when you suspect your wife of cheatin.

"Megahertz" --
When a big log drops on your bare foot in da morning.

"Floppy Disk" --
What you get from piling too much wood.

"Chip" --
What you munch during Wildcat's games.

"Microchip" --
What's left in da bag when da chips are gone.

"Dot Matrix" --
Eino Matrix's wife.

"Laptop" --
1. Where the stripper sits.
2. Where da grandkids sit.

"Software" --
Them plastic picnic utensils.

"Port" --
Where da commercial fishin boats dock.

"Random Access Memory" --
Whan you can't remember how much you spent on da new deer rifle when Wifee asks about it.

"Fonts" --
That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.

"Escape" --

What you have to do from the wife to go drinkin' with the boys.

[Brassdad]

Redneck Medical Terms

Artery The study of paintings.
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria.
Barium What doctors do when patients die.
Benign What you be after you be eight.
Catscan Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic A sheep dog.
Coma A punctuation mark.
D&C Where Washington is.
Dilate To live long.
Enema Not a friend.
Fester Quicker than someone else.
Fibula A small lie.
Genital Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail What you hang your coat on.
Impotent Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane.
Morbid A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates Cheaper than day rates.
Node I knew it.
Outpatient A person who has fainted.
Ovaries You get to try again.
Pap Smear A fatherhood test.
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative A letter carrier.
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery.
Rectum Pretty near killed him.
Secretion Hiding something.
Seizure Roman emperor.
Tablet A small table.
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor More than one.
Urine Opposite of you're out.
Varicose Near by/close by.

[Brassdad]

You know you're staying in a redneck motel, when you call up the front desk to say you gotta leak in the sink, and the guy says, "Go ahead."

A Tennesse State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver (a grumpy old man) says, "Bout what?"

[Brassdad]

Things you'll never hear rednecks say...

I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Wrestling's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my gut is too big?
I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, we don't need another dog.
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Checkmate.
She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
You ALL.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.
We have too many dogs!
My house doesn't have wheels.
No more Tobasco, it's too hot.
I'm too drunk to go huntin'.
Don't run that deer over.
My tires are big enough.
Slow down, you're drivin' too fast.
Slow down there's an armadillo in the road.
Honey, kick the dog out of the bed.
Son I don't want that gun rack put in your go-kart.
No thank you, I don't want any Skoal.
Son, speak proper English.
I don't like Dale Earnhart anymore.
Leave the cooler at home.
Yankee? Sure we would love fer you to stay!
I don't like grits.
Duct tape won't fix that.
How can anyone drink moonshine?
What is a still?
What is a moon pie?
Those tires are too big for my truck.
Let's talk, fighting gets you nowhere.
Don't let that dog in my truck.
Remember kids, be like Dad, say "No" to beer.
Honey do you think this tube top is too tight?

[Brassdad]

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

[Brassdad]

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas Buddy."

[Brassdad]

With Fox preparing for next seasons' Survivor, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

[TubaRay]

With Fox preparing for next seasons' Survivor, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

Good luck!

[Brassdad]

In Kentucky, there aren't too many people hang-gliding.

Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"

[tubatooter1940]

Some of my favorite Jeff Foxworthy jokes:
You can tell you're a redneck if you find yourself climbing the city water tower with a bucket of paint and a brush in order to defend your sister's honor.
You can tell you're a redneck if your porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
You can tell you're a redneck if your richest relative buys a new house and you have to go over and help take the wheels off of it.

[eli]

What are a redneck's last words?

"Hey, y'all, watch this!"