California Jokes

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Jun 09, 2006 1:59 pm

Greater Los Angeles Area Driver's License Application

Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________

Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male
___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: __________________
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please indicate activities you perform while driving:
Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety magazine
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _____

Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
If none, please explain: _______________________________

What is the length of your daily commute?
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

TEST (Please indicate the correct answer):

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your
car on TV in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against the cellular
phone company for your 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the event of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You're not sure what "rain" is

When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit

Please turn your test in to the lady behind the bulletproof
virtual window on your left.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Jun 09, 2006 2:02 pm

HOW TO TELL YOU'RE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

* Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings...and none are visible.

* You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.

* Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

* You can't remember ... is pot illegal?

* You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

* A really great parking space can move you to tears.

* A low-speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

* You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits, a fab exercise facility, and tofu takeout.

* You're thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between aromatherapy and conversational Mandarin.

* Your best friends just named their twins after her acting coach and his personal trainer.

* It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2006."

* The three-hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific 9 car pile-up, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Jun 09, 2006 2:07 pm

New California State Motto:

By age 30; our women have more plastic than your Honda.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Jun 09, 2006 2:15 pm

You Know You Live In San Francisco When ...

When someone says TENDERLOIN - you don't think of steak. You think of danger.

You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting from Ohio.

Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.

You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the midwest.

You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Jun 09, 2006 2:18 pm

Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey got first pick.

trseaman · Post by **trseaman** » Fri Jun 09, 2006 3:02 pm

HEY....

I resemble that remark!!!

Tim

Norm Pearson · Post by **Norm Pearson** » Fri Jun 09, 2006 3:15 pm

Brassdad wrote:HOW TO TELL YOU'RE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

* You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.

Hey thatâ€™s offensive! We have plenty of affordable housing in the LA area:
http://www.realtor.com/FindHome/HomeLis ... eaid=15129

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Fri Jun 09, 2006 4:40 pm

Brassdad wrote:Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?

Because Delaware isn't any bigger than it is!

LoyalTubist · Post by **LoyalTubist** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 5:15 pm

Brassdad wrote:You Know You Live In San Francisco When ...

When someone says TENDERLOIN - you don't think of steak. You think of danger.

You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting from Ohio.

Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.

You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the midwest.

You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

I think you are mixing San Francisco and L.A. here. Hollywood is farther away from San Francisco than Chicago is from Louisville, Kentucky--over 100 miles further.

chevy68chv · Post by **chevy68chv** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:48 am

Sounds a lot like the San Francisco I grew up next to...

Dale Hale · Post by **Dale Hale** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 11:50 am

When I read these jokes about California it reminds me how lucky I am to live here.
Didn't I see several of you guys (sending the jokes) out here on vacation last year? Dale

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 12:02 pm

Dale Hale wrote:When I read these jokes about California it reminds me how lucky I am to live here.
Didn't I see several of you guys (sending the jokes) out here on vacation last year? Dale

It wasn't me. I'm glad someone likes to live in California. It would be a shame to waste the land. However, as the jokes imply, it seems that Californians have their own way of viewing the world. Perhaps this is because of Hollywood. I don't have an explanation for it.

LoyalTubist · Post by **LoyalTubist** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 3:46 pm

Never get Southern Californians and Northern Californians mixed up. They are very different people.

And, in Southern California, remember the "normal" people live in the desert. The weird people live everywhere else.

LoyalTubist · Post by **LoyalTubist** » Fri Jun 16, 2006 5:41 am

Friendly is not weird. I have not met an unfriendly person here since beginning my new job with a government subcontractor at the 29 Palms Marine Base.

LoyalTubist · Post by **LoyalTubist** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 3:42 am

You're right. 116 degrees takes a bit of getting used to.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Sun Jun 18, 2006 8:52 am

LoyalTubist wrote:Friendly is not weird. I have not met an unfriendly person here since beginning my new job with a government subcontractor at the 29 Palms Marine Base.

As a Marine who has spent more than a few summers in the stumps....I gotta tell about one contractor I knew about.
Because of environmental concerns, we have to be "selective" on how we take care of bodilly emmissions....so we use port-a-potties. The truck that come around to empty them is referred to as the "honey dipper". I attribute it to the military sense of humor.
Anyway, the operator of the honey dipper in the early 90s had been doing this for a couple of decades. While I don't know what his compensation package was - I am guessing it was quite nice based upon the service provided was one definately requred.
ANYWAY....
One evening, as we were maneuvering from one training area to another, we passed him and his truck. He had completed his activities for the day and was parked on a ridge line as the sun was setting. He was atop his truck doing what looked like yoga.
Don't know if it was the heat, the fumes, or his spiritualality that was the cause of this action, but I will say he appeared to be quite flexible and well balanced.

LoyalTubist · Post by **LoyalTubist** » Fri Jun 23, 2006 2:16 pm

Yes, I am a former soldier and the Marines still treat me kindly.

For those of you who think that was a confusing sentence--
ARMY=SOLDIER
NAVY=SAILOR
MARINE CORPS=MARINE
AIR FORCE=AIRMAN (male or female)
COAST GUARD=COAST GUARDSMAN (male or female)

Thou shalt not consider all service members soldiers.

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California Jokes

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