Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next
to me on the couch with his head in my lap.
I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without
your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you look pretty good,
too!"
Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository
Forum rules
Be kind. No government, state, or local politics allowed. Admin has final decision for any/all removed posts.
Be kind. No government, state, or local politics allowed. Admin has final decision for any/all removed posts.
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Rick F
- 5 valves
- Posts: 1679
- Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2004 11:47 pm
- Location: Lake Worth, FL
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11513
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
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Rick F
- 5 valves
- Posts: 1679
- Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2004 11:47 pm
- Location: Lake Worth, FL
Two tuba players were walking past a bar.
Don't laugh, it could happen.
Don't laugh, it could happen.
Miraphone 5050 - Warburton BJ/RF mpc
YEP-641S (recently sold), DE mpc (102 rim; I-cup; I-9 shank)
Symphonic Band of the Palm Beaches:
"Always play with a good tone, never louder than lovely, never softer than supported." - author unknown.
YEP-641S (recently sold), DE mpc (102 rim; I-cup; I-9 shank)
Symphonic Band of the Palm Beaches:
"Always play with a good tone, never louder than lovely, never softer than supported." - author unknown.
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LoyalTubist
- 6 valves
- Posts: 2647
- Joined: Sun Jan 29, 2006 8:49 pm
- Location: Arcadia, CA
- Contact:
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
________________________________________________________
You only have one chance to make a first impression. Don't blow it.
You only have one chance to make a first impression. Don't blow it.
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LoyalTubist
- 6 valves
- Posts: 2647
- Joined: Sun Jan 29, 2006 8:49 pm
- Location: Arcadia, CA
- Contact:
A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room.
As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby.
He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby.
After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk.
"Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000.
"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby.
He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby.
After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk.
"Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000.
"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
________________________________________________________
You only have one chance to make a first impression. Don't blow it.
You only have one chance to make a first impression. Don't blow it.
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LoyalTubist
- 6 valves
- Posts: 2647
- Joined: Sun Jan 29, 2006 8:49 pm
- Location: Arcadia, CA
- Contact:
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Florida, Louisiana, Kansas, Michigan, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Texas and Wyoming. Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC.
________________________________________________________
You only have one chance to make a first impression. Don't blow it.
You only have one chance to make a first impression. Don't blow it.
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TubaRay
- 6 valves
- Posts: 4109
- Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2004 4:24 pm
- Location: San Antonio, Texas
- Contact:
By golly, Loyal Tubist, I believe you nailed this one!LoyalTubist wrote:A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Florida, Louisiana, Kansas, Michigan, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Texas and Wyoming. Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC.
Ray Grim
The TubaMeisters
San Antonio, Tx.
The TubaMeisters
San Antonio, Tx.
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Rick F
- 5 valves
- Posts: 1679
- Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2004 11:47 pm
- Location: Lake Worth, FL
An old man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was hard work for his advanced years as the ground was very hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
__________
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Papa
___________
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the
BODIES.
Love Vinnie
___________
At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
___________
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
__________
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Papa
___________
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the
BODIES.
Love Vinnie
___________
At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
___________
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie
Miraphone 5050 - Warburton BJ/RF mpc
YEP-641S (recently sold), DE mpc (102 rim; I-cup; I-9 shank)
Symphonic Band of the Palm Beaches:
"Always play with a good tone, never louder than lovely, never softer than supported." - author unknown.
YEP-641S (recently sold), DE mpc (102 rim; I-cup; I-9 shank)
Symphonic Band of the Palm Beaches:
"Always play with a good tone, never louder than lovely, never softer than supported." - author unknown.
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11513
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
Thank god the DHS has our phones tapped, reads our mail, and tracks our Internet usage!Rick F wrote:Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the
BODIES.
Love Vinnie
("Lessee... lookit all the TubeNet time... must be upta something!!!")
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
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tubaman5150
- 3 valves
- Posts: 375
- Joined: Fri Mar 19, 2004 11:53 am
- Location: Manhattan, KS
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren and covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren and covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
No one who tells you what you want to hear at someone else's detriment is acting in your best interest.
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tubeast
- 4 valves
- Posts: 819
- Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2005 3:59 pm
- Location: Buers, Austria
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tubatooter1940
- 6 valves
- Posts: 2530
- Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2004 11:09 pm
- Location: alabama gulf coast
Those are great Doc!-
windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11513
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
An Inconversant Truth...Doc wrote:You may remember that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified
object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-cattle ranch just
outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many
say... has been profusely covered up by the Air Force and the US
government. However.... what you may well NOT know is that on March 31,
1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Al Gore was born.
Coincidence ? I think not.
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
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TubaRay
- 6 valves
- Posts: 4109
- Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2004 4:24 pm
- Location: San Antonio, Texas
- Contact:
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11513
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
NEW YORK: A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x ' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say: 'There are three sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x ' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say: 'There are three sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?