A lady agreed to host an important Canasta tournament and her house was filled with many people seriously playing cards. She was so busy fixing drinks and snacks and catering to her guests that she could do little to deal with her eight year old son who was being a little monster-running,screaming and bothering as many people as possible.
The hostess lady was at her wits end when a gentleman guest asked if he could have a word with the boy. He said he had some advice that might help out. The lady replied, "Please, anything would help."
The gentleman took the boy aside for a quiet conversation and then returned to his card game. The boy was no more trouble for the rest of the afternoon. When the lady saw him he was quiet as a mouse and quite calm.
As the guests were leaving the hostess thanked the gentleman and asked him what he said to her son to make him behave so well.
He replied, "Not much! I just told him how to masturbate."
Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository
Forum rules
Be kind. No government, state, or local politics allowed. Admin has final decision for any/all removed posts.
Be kind. No government, state, or local politics allowed. Admin has final decision for any/all removed posts.
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tubatooter1940
- 6 valves
- Posts: 2530
- Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2004 11:09 pm
- Location: alabama gulf coast
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Mike Finn
- 3 valves
- Posts: 385
- Joined: Sun Mar 21, 2004 9:27 am
- Location: Virginia Beach, VA
- Contact:
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Brassdad
- 4 valves
- Posts: 997
- Joined: Wed Apr 06, 2005 4:22 pm
- Location: Milford, Ohio
A farmer outside of Ann Arbor was working his cattle one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby. After hunting about for a time, he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder near the calf's tail. Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he heard the University of Michigan's fight song
Amazed, he put the calf in the truck and drove the animal to a vet in Ann Arbor. When the vet asked him what was going on, the farmer told him. The vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen. He casually agreed he heard the University of Michigan's fight song but didn't seem particularly excited.
"Man, this is unbelievable! How can you stand there and not be amazed?" the farmer asked. The vet, a third generation Ohio State University graduate, said, "Hell, Bud, I'm a Buckeye and I've been listening to assholes sing that song my whole life."
Amazed, he put the calf in the truck and drove the animal to a vet in Ann Arbor. When the vet asked him what was going on, the farmer told him. The vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen. He casually agreed he heard the University of Michigan's fight song but didn't seem particularly excited.
"Man, this is unbelievable! How can you stand there and not be amazed?" the farmer asked. The vet, a third generation Ohio State University graduate, said, "Hell, Bud, I'm a Buckeye and I've been listening to assholes sing that song my whole life."
New Breed, Old Breed! It doesn't matter so long as it's the Marine Breed!
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Thomas Maurice Booth
- 3 valves
- Posts: 433
- Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2004 6:03 pm
I used to have a Labrador retriever and I was buying a fifty pound bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (?)
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting 'The Purina Diet' again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out all over and I-Vs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I had been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me.
I thought the guy was going to have to stagger out the door, he was laughing so hard.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting 'The Purina Diet' again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out all over and I-Vs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I had been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me.
I thought the guy was going to have to stagger out the door, he was laughing so hard.
I post because you're unable to Google.
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11513
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
If you do not know, see answer below...
Get your drunk *** off the merry-go-round!
If you do not know, see answer below...
Get your drunk *** off the merry-go-round!
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11513
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
Instructions I left with my race team (should work for tubas, too!): You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11513
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "This is for washing our hair."
The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "This is for washing our hair."
The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
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Brassdad
- 4 valves
- Posts: 997
- Joined: Wed Apr 06, 2005 4:22 pm
- Location: Milford, Ohio
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11513
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
I was in my back yard yesterday, trying to fly a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife is watching me from the deck, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She leaned over the railing and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail." I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11513
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
Appologies IN ADVANCE to harold if this is a duplicate... I will desist, but I thought Doc might enjoy this.
Bluenecks Are NORTHERNERS. By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins: YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF:
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY spicy!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatos au gratin to grits.
5. You have never, ever eaten okra, fried or boiled.
6. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
7. You have no idea what a polecat is.
8. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
9. You don't have bangs.
10. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
11. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
12. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
13. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
14. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the head football coach salary.
15. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. (Not to even mention duct tape!)
16. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on ramp to the highway.
17. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
18. You call binoculars opera glasses.
19. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
20. You would never wear pink or an appliqué sweatshirt.
21. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice).
22. You don't have doilies, and you don't know how to make one.
23. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
24. You can do your laundry without quarters.
25. None of your fur coats are homemade.
Bluenecks Are NORTHERNERS. By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins: YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF:
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY spicy!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatos au gratin to grits.
5. You have never, ever eaten okra, fried or boiled.
6. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
7. You have no idea what a polecat is.
8. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
9. You don't have bangs.
10. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
11. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
12. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
13. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
14. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the head football coach salary.
15. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. (Not to even mention duct tape!)
16. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on ramp to the highway.
17. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
18. You call binoculars opera glasses.
19. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
20. You would never wear pink or an appliqué sweatshirt.
21. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice).
22. You don't have doilies, and you don't know how to make one.
23. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
24. You can do your laundry without quarters.
25. None of your fur coats are homemade.
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
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Chuck(G)
- 6 valves
- Posts: 5679
- Joined: Fri Mar 19, 2004 12:48 am
- Location: Not out of the woods yet.
- Contact:
Bug, are you tis guy in disguise?
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11513
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11513
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
harold wrote:This thread is getting so long, we are now getting repeats.
All new posts to this thread should be limited to those authored by Doc...he's the only one that seems to have a handle on this mess.
Tom Holtz wrote:
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
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Daryl Fletcher
- 3 valves
- Posts: 317
- Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2004 12:24 pm
Redneck Air Conditioner
Last edited by Daryl Fletcher on Mon Nov 03, 2008 5:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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TubaRay
- 6 valves
- Posts: 4109
- Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2004 4:24 pm
- Location: San Antonio, Texas
- Contact:
Friday's funny
La verdad!!!Doc wrote:How did tha Latina girl get pregnant?
Her teacher told her to go do her essay.
Ray Grim
The TubaMeisters
San Antonio, Tx.
The TubaMeisters
San Antonio, Tx.
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TexTuba
- 5 valves
- Posts: 1424
- Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2005 5:01 pm
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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Rick F
- 5 valves
- Posts: 1679
- Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2004 11:47 pm
- Location: Lake Worth, FL
Corporate Lesson:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Miraphone 5050 - Warburton BJ/RF mpc
YEP-641S (recently sold), DE mpc (102 rim; I-cup; I-9 shank)
Symphonic Band of the Palm Beaches:
"Always play with a good tone, never louder than lovely, never softer than supported." - author unknown.
YEP-641S (recently sold), DE mpc (102 rim; I-cup; I-9 shank)
Symphonic Band of the Palm Beaches:
"Always play with a good tone, never louder than lovely, never softer than supported." - author unknown.
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11513
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
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drow2buh
- bugler
- Posts: 173
- Joined: Tue May 30, 2006 2:24 pm
- Location: Platteville, WI
- Contact:
