Introducing “The Tubenet Audition Systemâ€

[Mark]

There should be bonus points added if the equipment you are using was named for you by the manufacturer (e.g. The "Baer" model or the "Deck" model).

Even more bonus points should be added for each 100 pounds of gear you travel with and for transporting everything on the back of a motorcycle.

Finally, a tie-breaker would be owning two of the same instrument, one in silver and one in lacquer -- for both kinds of playing.

[tubaman5150]

I think every candidate should have a herald to annouce his/her pedigree, awards, and tuba acquaintances to the commitee.
Resumes should be submitted on parchment and hand illuminated by a monk using the proper rubrics.

[iiipopes]

Aw, I make it a point to sight read performances, especially when called at the last minute. Please put sight reading back in!

Also, are any points awarded for having the word "new" or some other descriptive of either a superlative or regally-associated name as part of the model?

[SplatterTone]

This reminds me of the bit in the movie City Slickers where the ice cream expert says what is the best ice cream for the meal described by Billy Crystal. I think the meal included a stick of aparagus; and the ice cream was rum raisin.

Perhaps in addition to the correct equipment to use, a description of the best selection of tuba dinner music should be solicited for a given dinner. I think you will agree this is one area of the tuba repertoire that has been neglected for too long.

(Lovely Italian restaurant, a couple staring into each other's eyes with "Tubas in the Moonlight" gently playing in the background.)

[Thomas Maurice Booth]

Are you kidding? There are no real winners at auditions? Its based on equipment? What if pizza boy can't afford the right equipment? What is hard work? Best sound, arbitrary? EVERYBODY KNOWS GOOD SOUND. Please tell me someone doesn't actually think this and that this is a joke.


TMB

[Tom Holtz]

[sinfonian]

I think in addition to lisitng the equipment that they would use for each expert I think they list the meal including beverages that they would consume prior to a concert performance of that work. Then in case of equipment tie the meals could be the tie breaker. OF course this would have to be done through more Tubenet polls.

[iiipopes]

Plus a two-page essay on their views and feelings about the bell-is-an-oversized-lager-glass-full-with-foam-head picture.

Now, just where IS that picture?

[iiipopes]

Plus a two-page essay on their views and feelings about the bell-is-an-oversized-lager-glass-full-with-foam-head picture.

Now, just where IS that picture?

[windshieldbug]

Marching Tuba Dream

[THE TUBA]

Plus a two-page essay on their views and feelings about the bell-is-an-oversized-lager-glass-full-with-foam-head picture.

Now, just where IS that picture?

This one, or this one?




-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

You should also include the condition of the instrument at the time of purchase (i.e. new/used/reconditioned/etc...). If the instrument is used, the previous owner must be taken into consideration. If the previous owner was a famous tuba player (only the "legends," which is another topic altogether...), then the tuba should hold higher status than a new one of the same model, unless the former owner has gone on record saying that the newer version is superior.

Careful consideration should also be given to where and when the new instrument was purchased. You simply cannot win an audition on a borrowed or school horn. More credit should be given to those who have instruments they hand selected from the manufacturer.

In addition, you must not win if you are playing on your first instrument, two or three must be bought and sold before your equipment can be held in high esteem.

Each applicant should also write a paragraph on how his/her playing would change depending on the conductor.

And, before I forget, each applicant should provide a list of schools attended, degrees earned, and average GPA.

[Rick Denney]

I have, in my possession, all the evidence necessary to demolish the viability of this approach.

Rick "with an embarassingly high ratio of instrument quality to player quality" Denney

[iiipopes]

Can anyone photoshop a sousaphone on to this old broad?

(Sigh) Hell, I can! (say it quickly)

[Brucom]

Did I smell sour grapes on the original suggestion?

[THE TUBA]

Oh, don't forget to take into consideration the type of valve/rotor oil, slide grease, and polish used. It does you no good to have a fancy horn with sticky valves...

[dave]

Clearly an essay question is required of each applicant: what are the advantages and disadvantages of CC vs. BBb tubas (10,000 word minimum).

The audio tape required should be asleep in the deep belched (or farted, applicant's choice).

The tie-breaker should be, "how many mouthpieces do you own".

-Dave

[pulseczar]

The tie-breaker should be, "how many mouthpieces do you own".

-Dave

Or how much beer you can hold.

[windshieldbug]

The tie-breaker should be, "how many mouthpieces do you own".
-Dave

Or how much beer you can hold.

Or how much beer your mouthpieces can hold...

[iiipopes]

The tie-breaker should be, "how many mouthpieces do you own".
-Dave

Or how much beer you can hold.

Or how much beer your mouthpieces can hold...

I'll get out my Wick 1 (deeper than most people think), buy an SSH to have on hand as a backup just for grins, and I'll win on both counts! The darker the better! (The beer, that is!)

[clagar777]

Yeah, yeah...I think I saw something on this at another forum:

http://forum.bullshit.com/