Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[SplatterTone]

[windshieldbug]

You get what you get when you're too stubborn to ask for help!


A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

The minister was not familiar with the backwoods area, and became lost! And being the typical man, he did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was no where in sight.

He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.

He poured out my heart and soul. As he preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory." He preached, and he preached, like he'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelation. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to his car.

As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[tubatooter1940]

The meanest old lady in a small town was kicked to death by a mule.
Everybody in town attended the funeral-not to see the old lady -but to see the mule that was meaner than she was.

[iiipopes]

Go, Doc Go!

[Brucom]

Time to recycle an old joke:

Q: Why don't congressmen need bookmarkers?
A: They just bend over the pages.

[tubaguy9]

Go, Doc Go!

Dang, that's the truth!!!
So, as iiipopes said,
"Go, Doc Go!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just trying to add more excitement...

[JB]

Subject: Statistics


Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S. involvement in Iraq, here's a sobering statistic.

There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112
deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington.

[windshieldbug]

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington.

Perhaps we just need to equip SUV's with "hillbilly" armor

[iiipopes]

Reminds me of ABC: "This is Howard K. Smith with the nightly casualty report," and wondering if my cousin was one of them. This is combined with, "...and the WAG estimate of both North Vietnamese and Viet Cong casualties are..."

Of course, WAG meant Wild *** Guess.

This is not politics. This is history. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

[Brassdad]

In the Marines we use the SWAG.....Scientific Wild *** Guess

[iiipopes]

Hey, Brassdad - love the haircut. My dad had a perfect flattop like yours when he was in the National Guard. Occasionally I get one also. The last time I got one, it looked so good I had to tease my barber. The next time I went in I told him on the way home I got stopped at a construction site. Oh?, he asked. I said, Yeah, they wanted to use me as a level!

[TubaRay]

You may be a cop if ....
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.

I believe this one was my favorite.

[iiipopes]

Hey Doc, not all of them, but after working in a prosecutor's office, reviewing and analyzing autopsy photos and reports of an industrial accident over lunch, as I had to do recently, doesn't even break the flow of conversation.

[sc_curtis]

You may be a cop if ....

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

You don't have to be a cop to completely agree with this...

[TubaRay]

You may be a cop if ....
You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

You don't have to be a cop to completely agree with this...

Absolutely!!!

[Brassdad]

Two muslim women are at an outdoor bizzarre in the Palistinian territories. The first woman is showing the second one photos of her children.

1st woman: This is my oldest son Maleek. He blew himself up and is a martyr. This is my Saadeer, my second son. He blew himself up and is a martyr. And here is my baby, Ackmed. He blew himself up and is a Martyr as well.

2nd woman: Ah, yes, they blow up so fast.

[iiipopes]

An accountant, an engineer and a trumpet player got to talking about how pets resemble their owners. To test it out, they each got their dog and put a pile of bones in front of them. The accountant's dog started by pawing the bones into a row one by one and sniffing each of them. The engineer's dog did just the opposite, pawing them into a pile and walking around it. The trumpet player's dog then ate the bones, screwed the two other dogs and left.

[rwiegand]

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

[SplatterTone]

It's a shame to see bans on smoking include smoking a pipe. The pipe is the perfect thing: It gives the wise person time to think and the idiot something to stick in his mouth.

[TubaRay]

Now that's a remote!!!