Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[pulseczar]

What's the holiest chord?




Gsus

[Brassdad]

16. New rule: when I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 months." "he's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

I like telling people I'm 566 months old.

[Brassdad]

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
usually takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong ones are pushed instead.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and usually retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting
hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You have thought it'd
be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!

[tubatooter1940]

I'm 782 months old.

[sc_curtis]

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the
front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit.
What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but
you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly!
Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
"22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing
out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single
peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[tubaguy9]

(It's just a joke, OK?)

AAAAAAAWWWWWW...wait, never mind...sorry...PLEASE DON'T HATE ME SEAN!!!!!!!!!

[TubaRay]

Since Doc did the 'Hot Buttered Corn' joke........

What's grosser than waking up with blood on your mustache???

Realizing that lump in your throat has a STRING attached to it!!!!!
Ken F.

Yuck!!!

[Brassdad]

What's difference between a high school reunion and a hocley game?

At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

[windshieldbug]

In 8 days I will be 500 months. I get a prize for that, right?

Sure! A night with the Mississippi Symphony! And if it costs you anything, keep the receipts (you can deduct it as a business expense!).

[tubatooter1940]

Grosser than gross?
You throw your underwear at the wall and it sticks. Come back later and your underwear is three feet further up the wall.

[XtremeEuph]

"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."

I was expecting a punch line such as "..............because there is money all over the mind of the female brain"

[Captain Sousie]

So three rabbis and a leprechaun are trekking across the desert. So they trek all day, then they camp out for the first night, and they're camped out, and a tarantula makes a move on the leprechaun. So the first rabbi picks up a canteen of water and throws it at the tarantula, and knocks the tarantula out, so they're all safe and everything's cool. Then they get up the second day and they trek all day, then they camp out for the second night, and they're camped out, and a rattlesnake starts going after the leprechaun. So the second rabbi picks up a box of matzoh and throws it at the rattlesnake and knocks it out, so they're safe and everything's okay. Then they get up on the third day and trek all day, then they camp out for the third night, and on the third night, a scorpion starts attacking the leprechaun. So the third rabbi walks into a bar and orders a double scotch and a milkshake. He drinks the double scotch and pours the milkshake in his pants. Then he gets a second set of drinks, and this time he drinks the milkshake and pours the double scotch in his pants. Then he gets a third set of drinks, and this time when the bartender turns his back, the elephant just takes off, running down the highway, knocking over telephone poles and smashing cars and small trucks, and by the time he gets to the tollbooth the first duck asks, "Hey, would you pass the soap?" But before the second duck can even answer, the cop BURSTS into the bathroom carrying the monkey. But the monkey gets loose, right? And he runs into the kitchen and starts smashing all the dishes and bending all the forks and spoons. And by the time the dentist catches the monkey again, the leprechaun shoves the scorpion up the third rabbi's ***.

[Captain Sousie]

Okay, so these two lesbians walk into a bar, right? And they sit down, and the first lesbian orders a gin and tonic, and the second lesbian orders a -- OH WAIT! Did I mention that the bar is in Roswell? Because that's very important, that the bar's in Roswell. Okay, so the two lesbians walk into the bar, and they take their seats, and the second lesbian orders, no, wait, the FIRST lesbian orders a gin and tonic, and the second lesbian orders vodka. They get their drinks and they start drinking, and then the first lesbian -- OH WAIT! I forgot, there are actually THREE lesbians, right? Okay, so the three lesbians walk into the bar, and the first lesbian gets vodka, no, wait, the first lesbian gets a gin and tonic, and the SECOND lesbian gets vodka, and the third lesbian gets a ham sandwich. Oh, did I say that this was a bar? Because it's actually a disco. That's very important. Okay, so the three lesbians are in the disco, and the first one gets a vodka, and the second one gets a gin and tonic, no wait, that's backwards, okay so let's make it simple and just say that they swap drinks. Okay, and then the third lesbian gets a ham sandwich. And once they get their orders, a cowboy walks into the disco -- oh wait, now I remember, they're not lesbians, they're PENGUINS. Or maybe they're lesbian penguins? Let's just say they're penguins. Oh, and it's not in Roswell, it's in Tasmania. And it's not a disco, it's a warehouse. And there's not three of them, there's twenty-seven. But thirteen of them are dead. And they're not ordering drinks, they're firing semi-automatic weapons. And the cowboy is really a leprechaun. Okay, so where were we?

[Captain Sousie]

Q: Who brings the baby sandals?
A: The Birkenstork
____________________________________

So an android gets a job as a bartender in Scotland. He asks the guy at the bar, 'Would...you...like...another...drink...sir?' And the guy says, 'AYE, Robot!'

_____________________________________

A guy is walking down the street and he hears someone saying, "13, 13, 13...." He ignores it but it gets louder: "13, 13, 13..." Then it starts getting quieter, so he figures he must have passed the source. Curious, he turns around and tries to find it. The voice gets louder: "13, 13, 13,, 13..." He sees a small hole in the bottom of a fence, so he kneels down and looks in the hole, and as he does so a finger comes out and pokes him in the eye. He says, "Ow!" Then he hears, "14, 14, 14, 14..."
______________________________________

Two men are drinking in the bar on top of the Empire State Building. The first man tells the second one that there's a draft created because the building is so high, and if you jump over the edge the draft will blow you right back to the top. The second guy naturally is skeptical. The first man is adamant, so the second guy asks him to demonstrate, and the first guy agrees. They go over to the side of the building, and the first guy jumps over, and starts falling, 10, 20, 30, 40 stories... then starts to slow down, then comes to a complete top, then starts slowly rising, and eventually is set right back down on the roof. The second guy says, "Wow! I've got to try that!" So he jumps over the edge and starts falling, 10, 20, 30, 40 stories... then 50, 60, 70, etc. and then SPLAT. Then the bartender says, "You know Superman, you're a real a**hole when you're drunk."
_________________________________

A man wants to purchase some farmland, but is wary of the bees on the property. The farmer thinks the bees are harmless so he makes the prospective buyer a deal: He'll tie the buyer naked to a tree that has a bee hive for an hour, and if any bee stings him, the farmer will GIVE him the land for free. The farmer ties the buyer up and leaves. He comes back an hour later and finds the buyer nearly unconscious. The farmer asks, "Are you all right?" The buyer replies, "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

[Captain Sousie]

So two nuns are on a road trip, when suddenly a tiny diminutive demon jumps on the hood, and plasters himself against the hood, making scary noises and faces. And the driving nun says, "Ah! What do I do?" So the passenger nun says, "Well, turn on the windshield wipers!" So the driving nun turns on the windshield wipers. But the demon just grabs on to the wipers, and now he's just going back and forth while making his scary noises and faces. And now he's agitated. So the driving nun says, "Ah! What do I do?" And the passenger nun says, "Well, turn on the windshield wiper fluid! It's filled with holy water." So the driving nun turns on the windshield wiper fluid, and it SEARS the demon, and there's all this screaming while there's a huge, thick cloud of steam. But when the smoke clears the demon is still there, going back and forth with the windshield wiper, with his flesh all seared, and now he's REALLY pissed, right? So the driver nun says, "Ah! What do I do?" The passenger nun thinks for a minute then says, "Well, show him your cross!" So the driving nun leans out the window and screams, "Get off my f---in' hood!"

[Captain Sousie]

So a horse and a chicken are out playing in a field. And the horse falls into a mud puddle and can't get out. So the chicken FLAPS her way up to the barn, but she can't find the farmer anywhere, so she gets in the farmer's BMW and drives it out to the field, and ties a rope around the bumper, and throws the other end to the horse, and the horse grabs on, and the chicken drives the horse out, and so he's rescued and everything's cool. Then the next week they're out playing in the field again, and this time the chicken falls into a mud puddle and can't get out. So the horse GALLOPS up to the barn but he can't find the farmer. He tries to get in the BMW, but he's too big, he won't fit. So he gallops back out to the field and says, "Okay, chicken, here's what I'm gonna do. I'll stretch out over the puddle, and you reach up and grab onto my, uh, snickerdoodle, and I'll pull you out." So the horse stretches over the puddle and the chicken reaches up and pulls herself out, and so she's safe and everything's cool. So anyway, the moral of the story is, if you're hung like a horse you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[Brassdad]

Little Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up --- fireman,policeman, salesman,
etc...
Little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurried and set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him.
Is that really true about your father?
"No," said Little Johnny, "He coaches Michigan football, but I was too embarrassed to say that infront of the other kids.









"GO BUCKS!" Muck Fichigan!

[Brassdad]

[windshieldbug]

"GO BUCKS!" Muck Fichigan!

Careful! Don't make me sorry I was nice to an old man!!

[Brassdad]

"GO BUCKS!" Muck Fichigan!

Careful! Don't make me sorry I was nice to an old man!!

Hey, it's not like we live next door to each other.....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1urPaEOtwtM