Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

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LoyalTubist
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Post by LoyalTubist »

A gynecologist got fed up with malpractice insurance premium increases and other high overhead problems, so he decided he didn't want to be a doctor anymore. After watching an infomercial at 3:30 AM, he decided the would go to car mechanics' school.

He was a great student at mechanics' school but he was so nervous about taking the final examination that he memorized all the textbooks for three weeks.

Finally, he decided to take the test. He couldn't believe his grade: 150%!

He asked the proctor how he could get such a high mark.

"Sir, you are a great mechanic. We didn't know you could do an engine overhaul through the muffler."
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sc_curtis
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Post by sc_curtis »

It should be stated that the above-mentioned concentration test is NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!!!!!!!! (and not safe for the youngsters, either)
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Rick F
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Post by Rick F »

The birds & the bees... computer style:

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and me met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

You got Male !!!!.......
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windshieldbug
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Post by windshieldbug »

A trucker doesn't stop for a turnpike toll, crashing through everything, and leaving the stop bar in a miilion small bits.

Repair workers rush out from the side building, find all the pieces, and reassemble it as good as new, using, you guessed it,

Tollgate Boothpaste!
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Mark

Post by Mark »

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
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LoyalTubist
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Post by LoyalTubist »

Three guys were working on a phone tower - Steve, Bruce and Dan.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Dan says, "OK I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that beer, Dan?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Dan replies.

"That's' unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dad and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly," Dan says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Steve's widow."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."...then I said,

"I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
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Post by Wes Krygsman »

Winning Smart *** Answers For 2006
Smart *** Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
Smart *** Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Smart *** Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart *** Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
#1 SMART *** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006.......................
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Wes Krygsman

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tubeast
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Post by tubeast »

Honesty rules, guys! You never know...

Two buddies go in a skiing tour.
Not too far from their designation they get into this heavy snow storm and desperately search for shelter, when they barely make it to this little farm right next to the county road.
A beautiful young lady answers the door, so they gladly ask if they could please stay for the night to await better weather.
"My husband just died, and I´m afraid of my good reputation if I let you two in", she replies.
"Oh, don´t worry about that, we´ll be happy if we could just use the barn and be gone before you wake up".

About nine months later one of them receives a letter from the widow´s lawyer, so he calls his friend.
"You remember this cute widow where we slept in the barn lat winter ?" "-Why, SURE I do!"
"You didn´t HAPPEN to sneak over to her house and have sex with her, DID YOU !?"
"Ah, well... yes, I did."
"You didn´t HAPPEN to give her MY name instead of YOURS, did you ?"
His friend blushes and awkwardly admits "Errm.. I´m afraid I did."



"Gee, thanks, buddy, she passed away last week and left everything to me".
Hans
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iiipopes
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Post by iiipopes »

If truly a "he," who says it was his ears that got tired?! :shock: 8) :P
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Brassdad
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Post by Brassdad »

iiipopes wrote:If truly a "he," who says it was his ears that got tired?! :shock: 8) :P
Are we speaking of the breast stroke? :oops:
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Post by Brassdad »

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking
down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute, and
knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and
asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women
inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no!...

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to
get shots after makinglove with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to
pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the
only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get
home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he' ll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and
Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom, and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG."
:twisted:
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windshieldbug
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Post by windshieldbug »

Origin of Christmas Tradition

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
tubatooter1940
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Post by tubatooter1940 »

Doc owns this thread. :lol:
We pronounce it Guf Coast
EuphDad
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Post by EuphDad »

Sex

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her
daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful
and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of
condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to
shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you,
that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you
didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that
sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No ****?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were
concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,
"Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was
a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your
father."
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Friday's funny

Post by TubaRay »

Doc wrote:
I don't know what's worse:
1) having your mistress find out you're married.
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
I vote for #3.
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tubatooter1940
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Post by tubatooter1940 »

BrassDad"s third funny brought this old saw to mind:
A little boy was pouring a liquid on a bed of worms that made the worms hard as rocks. His father asked him what the liquid was . The boy said, "Just some goo I made with my chemistry set." "
"Got any left?", asked his dad. "Sure!" the boy answered. "I'll give you a new bicycle for the rest of it." offered his dad.
The next day, the boy found two new bicycles in the garage. "He thanked his father for both of them. "One is from me, son." he replied." The other one is from your mother."
We pronounce it Guf Coast
tubatooter1940
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Post by tubatooter1940 »

I've told this before. My neighbor's dog ate 24 Easter eggs he hid outside in the yard for the kids-only leaving a few shell fragments (pun intended). The kids ran in crying that the Easter bunny hadn't come. A loud belch from the pooch solved the mystery.
We pronounce it Guf Coast
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windshieldbug
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Post by windshieldbug »

harold wrote:Isn't that an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp and military intelligence?
Why do you drive your car on a parkway and park your car on a driveway? Why do they call things "buildings"? Shouldn't they call them "builts"?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
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Post by Brucom »

harold wrote: Isn't that an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp and military intelligence?
Being a long-time resident of Northeastern Ohio, my favorite oxymoron is "Greater Cleveland."
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Post by greatk82 »

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of ****."
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