holiday eating tips

[ken k]

I know... another food post... but this is "off-topic" right?...enjoy...

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday

buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact,

if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where

they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine

single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than

single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year

but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories

in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an

eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one

for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole

point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make

a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy.

Eat the volcano. Repeat.



4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with

skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?

It's like buying a sports car with an automatic

transmission.



5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort

to control your eating. The whole point of going to a

Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots

of it. Hello?



6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now

and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have

nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which

you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a

10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.



7. If you come across something really good at a buffet

table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size

of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have

as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.

They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them

behind, you're never going to see them again.



8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of

each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and

one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have

more than one dessert? Labor Day?



9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with

the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all

cost. I mean, have SOME standards.



10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave

the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying

attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is

just around the corner.



Remember this motto to live by:



"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the

intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well

preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in

one hand, martini in the other, totally worn out and

screaming,



"WOO HOO what a ride!"

[iiipopes]

Between Thanksgiving and New Years, I (I know, it's an old one, but bears, or bares repeating!) adopt a see food diet. I see food, I eat it. Or is that a C-food diet? candy, chocolate, etc., or maybe a see-food diet (this one's a stretch) at the bishop's visitation banquet. Or maybe a si-food diet: always say yes when the host/hostess asks if you would like another helping. Or maybe a sea-food diet - make yourself feel like a whale in an ocean of food. Or maybe a....

[windshieldbug]

One does NOT drink a fine single-malt scotch quickly, one savors the experience as though it will be your last.

Drink eggnog quickly, as though you are anything played as a warm-up by a trumpet player...

[tubatooter1940]

I start the damn diet January 2, until then don't get between me and the chow line.
When I kick the bucket I want to be really, REALLY sick.
I believe fruitcakes make great doorstops and Christmas tree stands.
When we play back on Bourbon Street January 12th, I plan to maxi-violate the diet with lunch at Chez Paul's.