Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

greatk82 · Post by **greatk82** » Tue Jan 02, 2007 7:56 pm

Doc,
I was almost afraid to post it. Didn't want to tread the line too closely.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Tue Jan 02, 2007 10:49 pm

Mostly, no Doc's were harmed in your posting...

iiipopes · Post by **iiipopes** » Tue Jan 02, 2007 11:40 pm

Hey greatk82:

Quantus materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari!"

tubaguy9 · Post by **tubaguy9** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 9:21 pm

Doc wrote:
greatk82 wrote:Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of ****."
Ain't it the truth...

Maybe the truth is why it's funny...

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 7:13 pm

Doc wrote: That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female
that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so.....

No doubt about that! What logic, too.

iiipopes · Post by **iiipopes** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 9:33 pm

Ditto.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 9:38 pm

Doc wrote:Give her the finger?

Hell, give her your whole arm!

greatk82 · Post by **greatk82** » Sun Jan 07, 2007 2:46 pm

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

greatk82 · Post by **greatk82** » Sun Jan 07, 2007 2:46 pm

A patient says: "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter.' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life'."

greatk82 · Post by **greatk82** » Sun Jan 07, 2007 2:48 pm

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

greatk82 · Post by **greatk82** » Sun Jan 07, 2007 2:50 pm

A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off.

The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole.

Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole.

The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one.

Jesus turns to the old man and replies, "Play fair dad!"

KevinMadden · Post by **KevinMadden** » Sun Jan 07, 2007 2:51 pm

greatk82 wrote: ...., "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

read: euphonium performance major

greatk82 · Post by **greatk82** » Sun Jan 07, 2007 2:53 pm

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Sun Jan 07, 2007 3:27 pm

greatk82 wrote:After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

By way of information, that would be a very poor correction to the problem. Yes. Yes. I understand the joke.

greatk82 · Post by **greatk82** » Sun Jan 07, 2007 3:51 pm

TubaRay wrote:
greatk82 wrote:After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
By way of information, that would be a very poor correction to the problem. Yes. Yes. I understand the joke.

I guess I should never do stand-up work at a country club. Damn it...there goes my future.

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Sun Jan 07, 2007 4:14 pm

greatk82 wrote: I guess I should never do stand-up work at a country club. Damn it...there goes my future.

Sorry to have to be the one to crush your dreams.

Of course, we all know you have the talent.

greatk82 · Post by **greatk82** » Sun Jan 07, 2007 8:19 pm

Golf rules for beginners:

1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2) Form a loose grip.
3) Keep your head down.
4) Avoid a quick back swing.
5) Stay out of the water.
6) Try not to hit anyone.
7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

Don't stand directly in front of others.
9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10) Don't take extra strokes.

Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

greatk82 · Post by **greatk82** » Sun Jan 07, 2007 10:33 pm

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

greatk82 · Post by **greatk82** » Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:23 pm

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do.

He goes to his Rabbi to seek advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do."

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.

The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.

The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: "Chapter 11"

greatk82 · Post by **greatk82** » Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:30 pm

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

Across the wall of the cave the following symbols were carved, in this order: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find, and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world had come to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting, after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey; so they were smart enough to train animals to help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to work with. Even further proof of their intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth whereby the crops didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrew."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says

........... 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the *** on That Woman!!'