G & PG-13 jokes

Doug@GT · Post by **Doug@GT** » Tue Aug 10, 2004 5:29 pm

So I walked into a bar the other day.....

...ouch.

cjk · Post by **cjk** » Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:19 pm

Two tuba players walk past a bar...

Hey, it could happen !

Dan Schultz · Post by **Dan Schultz** » Tue Aug 10, 2004 6:42 pm

A blind man enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender immediately falls silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things....

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 180 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is a blonde professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Tue Aug 10, 2004 10:50 pm

Movie ratings:
"G"-nobody gets the girl
"PG"-the good guy gets the girl
"R"-the bad guy gets the girl
"X"-everybody gets the girl

Doug@GT · Post by **Doug@GT** » Tue Aug 10, 2004 11:24 pm

How do you clean a tuba?

With a tuba toothpaste.

CJ Krause · Post by **CJ Krause** » Tue Aug 10, 2004 11:39 pm

CJ Krause · Post by **CJ Krause** » Tue Aug 10, 2004 11:51 pm

Joe Baker · Post by **Joe Baker** » Wed Aug 11, 2004 8:42 am

15. I'M GETTING CEMENT ALL OVER YOU ---------- BASSMAN: "I'm Getting Sentimental Over You"

timayer · Post by **timayer** » Wed Aug 11, 2004 12:18 pm

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and the bartender looks at him and says, "I'm sorry. We don't serve food here."

Tim Ayer

Doug@GT · Post by **Doug@GT** » Wed Aug 11, 2004 12:42 pm

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

TMurphy · Post by **TMurphy** » Wed Aug 11, 2004 12:56 pm

A Duck walks into a bar, and waddles up to the bartender. Stunned, the bartender asks, "Can I help you?" The duck replies, "You got any grapes?" The bartender, taken aback, replies, "No...we don't have grapes...get out of my bar!" So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes in again, walks up to the same bartender, and asks, "You got any grapes?" The bartender replies, "I told you yesterday I didn't have any grapes, now get outta here!!!"

So the duck leaves.

And he comes back the next day, and walks up to the bartender, again asking, "You got any grapes??" The bartender, enraged at the audacity of this duck, loses control. "FOR THE LAST TIME, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!!! GET OUT, AND IF YOU COME IN HERE ASKING FOR GRAPES AGAIN, I'M GONNA NAIL YOU TO THIS BAR!!!!"

So the duck leaves.

Sure enough, the next day, the duck comes back, and waddles right up to the bartender. The bartender sees him, and, already angry, screams, "WHAT?!?!?!?"

The duck asks, "You got any nails?"

The bartender, shocked, replies, "Uh....no."

The duck responds, "Good. Got any grapes???"

Tom Mason · Post by **Tom Mason** » Wed Aug 11, 2004 10:00 pm

You heard about the dyslexic agnostic tuba player?

He kept going around wondering if there really is a dog.

Tuba-G Bass · Post by **Tuba-G Bass** » Wed Aug 11, 2004 10:57 pm

Nicknames for tunes,
For the Christmas song Adeste Fidelis, I have heard it
called "Dusty Fiddles"

MartyNeilan · Post by **MartyNeilan** » Wed Aug 11, 2004 11:24 pm

A elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."

The doctor nodded and gave her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and see me again when you are done."

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much, they still don't make any noise but now they stink terribly!"

The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing."

Leland · Post by **Leland** » Thu Aug 12, 2004 12:08 am

A Norwegian (hey, I can tell this, I'm half Norwegian) airliner is coming in for a landing, and the pilot & copilot run their procedure.

(somehow they have a Midwestern US accent that comes across in my typing)

"Ease off the throttle..." They smoothly go down the glidepath, looking like they're going to touch down right at the near edge of the runway.

"Now flare, set 'er down... BRAKES!!" They SLAM the engines into reverse thrust and CRANK them all the way -- shoving on the pedals, tires skidding, braking flaps sticking way out from the wings, slowing them down just enough to keep them from falling off the FAR edge of the runway.

They finish bobbing up & down, and the copilot says, "Wow, that was the shortest runway I've ever seen!"

The pilot says, "Yeah..." and looks out the side windows... "but it sure is a WIDE sucker!"

Doug@GT · Post by **Doug@GT** » Thu Aug 12, 2004 12:13 am

A German, a Russian, a Jew, a Pole, two southerners, a yankee, Walter Mondale, and the Pope walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some sort of a joke?"

TMurphy · Post by **TMurphy** » Thu Aug 12, 2004 8:45 am

A pirate walks into a bar, with this huge steering wheel sticking out the fly of his pants. The bartender looks at him, and goes, "Hey, buddy, you gota steering wheel coming out of the fly of your pants."

The pirate sighs, and says, "Arr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

Chuck(G) · Post by **Chuck(G)** » Thu Aug 12, 2004 11:40 am

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...

Leland · Post by **Leland** » Thu Aug 12, 2004 8:55 pm

Well then --

So an old lady walks into an adult novelty shop, goes to the guy behind the counter, and asks, "Excuse me, son, will you show me your vibrators?"

Somewhat bemused, he responds, "Sure thing -- come this way..."

She watches him walk for a few steps, and then says, "Well, son, if I could come that way, I wouldn't be looking for a vibrator."

Tom Mason · Post by **Tom Mason** » Thu Aug 12, 2004 9:17 pm

You know that you're in a redneck church when the preacher asks Bubba to help take the offering, and three men and two women get up.........

TubeNet

G & PG-13 jokes

you heard

Nicknames for tunes

You know that.............