Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[windshieldbug]

Not another DUCK joke!

[TubaRay]

Not another DUCK joke!

Yes. I'm afraid we were unable to duck that fowl joke that wasn't what it was quacked up to be.

Is that enough, or do you want more? I feel like I am ready to hit the punny trail.

OK. OK. I apologize.

[DonShirer]

God appears before Adam and Eve and informs them that he has two gifts, one for each. "The first gift", he says, "is the ability to pee standing up."
"That sounds neat," pipes up Adam. "I'll take that one."
"Fine." replies God. "The other gift is multiple orgasms."

[Captain Sousie]

What is green, has red wheels, and every house has one?

A lawn - you lied about the wheels?!?

No?

Darn, you guessed it. I just love torturing my students with that one.

Sou

[jhedrick]

Not another DUCK joke!

Yes. I'm afraid we were unable to duck that fowl joke that wasn't what it was quacked up to be.

Is that enough, or do you want more? I feel like I am ready to hit the punny trail.

OK. OK. I apologize.

Stop Cracking Yolks!
We're being Shelled!

[tubatooter1940]

Not another DUCK joke!

A duck waddled into a bar and announced, " Drinks are on me."
"How are you going to pay?"asked the bartender.
The duck replied, "Put it on my bill."

[windshieldbug]

Not another DUCK joke!

A duck waddled into a bar and announced, " Drinks are on me."
"How are you going to pay?"asked the bartender.
The duck replied, "Put it on my bill."

"I'll cover it with my nest egg."

[windshieldbug]

This guy owns a small farm in Indiana. One day, he gets a notice from The Indiana State Wage and Hour Department informing him that the records show the people working on his farm are not getting proper wages. The next day, an agent appears at his door.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demands the agent.

"Well," replies the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," says the farmer.

[jbaylies]

While cruising at thirty thousand feet, the airplane shuddered. A passenger looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed. "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight attendants couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to his or her back.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as the third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."

[Rick F]

Don't confuse old with stupid!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots. Okay?"

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's' ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

[Captain Sousie]

What did the snail say when it rode on the back of a turtle?





Wheee!

[Davy]

This one may have come up already...
A couple was sitting at dinner one night during the winter listening to a local radio station. The announcer said "If yo live on the side streets, please be sure to park on the right hand side of the road so the plows can get through."
The wife got up and moved the car.
The next night, they were again listening to the same radio station. the announcer said "If you live on a side road, park on the left hand side of the road so the plows can get through."
Again, she got up to move the car.
on the third night, there was a terrible storm blowing through. the radio announcer said "for the people on the side streets, please park on the-" and the power went out, killing the radio.
The wife was in distress, saying "oh, dear, this is Terrible; which side of the road do we park on!?!?"
Her husband stared at her, as all husbands of blondes do, and said:
"Just leave the car in the garage this time".

**if you are a blonde a blonde, and are offended by this, My mistake:oops:

[Brassdad]

3 SISTERS

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.



One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"



The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"



The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,"

as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure.



She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[Brassdad]

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"


Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

[Brassdad]

OLD FRIENDS


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.



One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,

"Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time,

but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.

Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her.

For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

[Brassdad]

SENIOR DRIVING


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.

Please be careful!"



"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[Brassdad]

DRIVING


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.

I could have sworn we just went through a red light."


After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through.



The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red

but was really concerned that she was losing it.!

She was getting nervous.



At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said,

"Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?

You could have killed us both!"



Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

[Brassdad]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.


The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Ma am, an officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

"Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

[tubatooter1940]

Brassdad reminds me of the story about the 80 year old newlyweds who spent their whole honeymoon getting out of the car.

[tubatooter1940]

I was a little depressed so I called Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan.
When I told them I felt suicidal,
they got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck.