The Computer-Generated Complaint Thread

[Chuck Jackson]

Wade,

Step away from the bottle of cheer that you have been imbibing in and go to bed. All will be clear in the morning.

Chuck"?"Jackson

[Mojo workin']

Wade, I was waiting for the 'stream of consciousness' portion of this to appear. Please indulge us.

[Ed Jones]

I think Bloke and The Elephant have spent too much time in the lacquer booth.

[Tubaryan12]

If you have read this far you might have figured out that this was generated by a computer and actually says NOTHING at all; it is a long string of gibberish sentences structured into paragraphs by a mindless computer application. I just wanted to see where this would go. Now, back to the computer-generated nonsense that this is.

normally, I don't read everything.....just lazy.....for once I'm glad I did.



****edit****
darn...i was editing this when you posted Wade!...you should have let it go a little longer before giving it away.

[iiipopes]

Hey, elephant -- it reads like those spam emails I get saying I've won some exotic lottery, or that someone nearly rich and nearly famous half way around the world has died and I'm the only one who can help them liquidate the estate, or offering me unnamable pharmaceuticals for comparative pennies.

So, why the waste of bandwidth?

[chipster55]

Wade, have you ever thought of running for office? With the BS puked out by the computer, you'd probably do well in Iowa. I can't believe I just read all this crap & am responding to it. Oh well, it's too cold to go out for lunch today.

[windshieldbug]

I am writing this letter to persuade you that one day, The Elephant will order his lickspittles to rob from the rich but -- unlike Robin Hood -- give to disrespectful crybabies.

This is a classic. I'm gunna stick it up on my refrigerator with my unused DHS mandated duct tape!

[greatk82]

lick·spit·tle
n. A fawning underling; a toady.

[windshieldbug]

bloke! bloke! Come back, bloke!

[trseaman]

Perhaps I should allow another subscriber to speak in my behalf:

Sean- Tubenet causes me more irritation than I care to endure- my failing- not yours or the site's. Human nature being what it is things naturally stray from music related with a focus on tubas/ lower brass to social views; religion, politics, et al. I recently wound up fetching back a package already at the UPS store with an instrument being sent to a Tubenet sponsor simply because of his posts. Stupid- he probably does good work. I would delete myself but that I'm not bright enough to figure out how to do so via your options menus. Good luck in the future and thanks for all you work in providing this forum- not bad for a glorified Squid....

Yea... That was a good one! I felt so sorry for the guy...

[Tubaing]

... And it's a statement that needs to be made because if this letter did nothing else but serve as a beacon of truth...

I like bacon, it tastes good.

...jack-o'-lantern...

Jack-o'-lanterns are almost as fun as Jack in the box!

Whatever should be true of statutory and often ephemeral enactments in human jurisprudence

I like makeing up words too.

And this dishonesty, this refusal to admit the truth, will have some very serious consequences for all of us by the next full moon.

So he is a warewolf!

Videlicet, they waste everyone else's time. And that's saying nothing about how he should think about how his taradiddles lead deceitful nincompoops to restructure the social, political, and economic relationships that exist throughout our entire society.

poop

[MartyNeilan]

Bloke can cut a tuba from BBb to CC just by looking at it.

Paul Hindemith did not write the first major tuba sonata. Bloke did.

Bloke invented the tuba. When he saw how awesome an instrument it was, he invented the saxophone just for spite.

Ralph Vaugh Williams did not write the first major tuba concerto. Bloke did.

All Helleberg mouthpieces were originally Bloke mouthpieces.

The Sousaphone was originally invented for Bloke, however, the BlokeOPhone did not have the right name appeal.

Bloke started the rumor that Arnold Jacobs only has one lung because Bloke has no lungs and can still play the tuba better than anyone.

Bloke's first tuba was a bell front tuba, however he blew so loud it straightened into an upright tuba. Since Bloke was seen with an upright, bellfront tubas have fallen out of fashion.

Bloke's tears are bottled as valve oil. Too bad Bloke never cries.

Military bands were created because Bloke's tuba playing can intimidate any enemy.

When Bloke empties his spitvalve, a flood warning is issued and FEMA is dispatched.

Bloke's valve began sticking one day. To fix it, he invented the trill.

Every time Bloke practices The Ride, the midwest has another tornado.

The Tower of Pisa was straight until Bloke pointed his tuba at it.

NASA did not send the first man to the moon. Bloke blew him out of his tuba.

When Bloke practices his high register, dogs all over the world run towards Memphis.

Bloke's used toothpicks were collected and made into violins by Antonio Stradivari.

Conductors don't direct Bloke, they follow him.

Bloke invented Jazz.

[lgb&dtuba]

While my better instincts counsel me to follow a policy of laissez-faire, there are a couple of Elephant's statements I feel I cannot let pass. You see, I clearly believe that my opinions are the obverse of Elephant's. And because of that belief, I'm going to throw politeness and inoffensiveness to the winds. In this posting, I'm going to be as rude and crude as I know how, to reinforce the point that Elephant is the embodiment of everything petty in our lives. Every grievance, every envy, every flagitious ideology finds expression in Elephant. I have now said everything there is to say.

[OldsRecording]

Ralph Vaugh Williams did not write the first major tuba concerto. Bloke did.

Sorry. Hate to tell you this, but Vaughan Williams DID write the first major tuba concerto, he just wrote it FOR Bloke. He just had better things to do the night of the premere, so Lucien Catelienet graciously agreed to step in and play it, although Bloke would have DEFINATELY done a better job. On a Bundy fibreglass sousaphone.

[OldsRecording]

Here is another one!

My complaint about Windshieldbug

I am angry. Angry that events have transpired that lead me to write this statement. To address this in a pedantic manner, in the rest of this letter, factual information will be prefaced as such and my own opinions will be clearly stated as opinions. For instance, it is a fact that Windshieldbug claims to have data supporting his assertion that he is a bearer and agent of the Creator's purpose. Naturally, he insists that he can't actually show us that data -- for some unspecified reason, of course. My guess is that he's hiding something. Maybe he's hiding the fact that over the years, I've enjoyed a number of genuinely pleasurable (and pleasurably genuine) conversations with a variety of people who understand that he needs to stop living in a fool's paradise. In one such conversation, someone pointed out to me that I want to thank Windshieldbug for his bromides. They give me an excellent opportunity to illustrate just how quarrelsome Windshieldbug can be.

Windshieldbug's fairy tales occasionally differ in terms of how brazen can they are but generally share one fundamental tendency: They vilify our history, character, values, and traditions. My general thesis is that I frequently wish to tell Windshieldbug that he lectures us about recidivism so often that he may soon become a major source of hearing loss. But being a generally genteel person, however, I always bite my tongue. I'll talk a lot more about that later, but first let me finish my general thesis: Life isn't fair. We've all known this since the beginning of time, so why is he so compelled to complain about situations over which he has no control? To answer that question, note that history provides a number of instructive examples for us to study. For instance, it has long been the case that the allotheism "debate" is not a debate. It is a harangue, a politically motivated, brilliantly publicized, pigheaded attack on progressive ideas.

If I could ask Windshieldbug one thing, I'd ask him why he thinks the sun rises just for him. The problem is that Windshieldbug shrinks from such questions like a vampire shrinks from a crucifix. You'd be more likely to get Windshieldbug to admit that one of his most loyal agents provocateurs is known to have remarked, "Space gods arriving in flying saucers will save humanity from self-destruction." And there you have it: a direct quote from a primary source. The significance of that quote is that Windshieldbug says that everyone with a different set of beliefs from his is going to get a one-way ticket to Hell. That's a stupid thing to say. It's like saying that obscurity, evasiveness, incomprehensibility, indirectness, and ambiguity are marks of depth and brilliance. It is high time for someone to seek liberty, equality, and fraternity. Will that someone be you?

Come on, folks! Join in the fun!

http://www.pakin.org/complaint

You know, Neitze said "Out of chaos COMES order".

[windshieldbug]

Everyone with a different set of beliefs from mine IS going to get a one-way ticket to Hell.

[windshieldbug]

Wow! Makes me proud to be a member!

[OldsRecording]

Let me introduce myself. I am the president and founder of the Anti Tubenet Association. In the text that follows, I will explain why stopping Tubenet is fundamental to the survival of our society. But first, let me pose you a question: Is Tubenet actually concerned about any of us or does it just want to distract attention from more important issues? After reading this letter, you'll surely find it's the latter. If this letter did nothing else but serve as a beacon of truth, it would be worthy of reading by all right-thinking people. However, this letter's role is much greater than just to justify condemnation, constructive criticism, and ridicule of Tubenet and its materialistic ravings.

In order to solve the big problems with Tubenet we must first understand these problems, and to understand them, we must make efforts directed towards broad, long-term social change. So long as the devastating inequities that characterize our society persist, Tubenet's sycophants will be unable to deny that the basal lie that underlies all of its brainless screeds is that there is an international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. Translation: Tubenet has achieved sainthood. I doubt you need any help from me to identify the supreme idiocy of those views but you should nevertheless be aware that the space remaining in this letter will not suffice even to enumerate the ways in which Tubenet has tried to weave its pigheaded traits, disrespectful antics, and demonic inveracities into a rich tapestry that is sure to clear-cut ancient forest lands. With that kind of thinking, besides being utterly offensive and abusive, Tubenet's précis are seriously defamatory. Get that straight, please. Any other thinking is blame-shoving or responsibility-dodging. Furthermore, Tubenet is driving me nuts. I can't take it anymore! I would like to go on, but I do have to keep this letter short. So I'll wrap it up by saying that Tubenet has been willing to sup with the devil every time it felt it could profit personally from it.

[TubaRay]

You, the president of the Anti-TubeNet Assoc., do you by some chance work for the government? Your writing would seem to indicate this.

[OldsRecording]

I agree witch government did you mostly have in mind tho.

"Witch Government"? No, I'm Episcopalian. Why do you ask?