Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

Captain Sousie · Post by **Captain Sousie** » Mon Feb 18, 2008 5:49 pm

A man walks into a bar, what does he say?

Ouch!

Captain Sousie · Post by **Captain Sousie** » Mon Feb 18, 2008 5:49 pm

What's big and gray and if it fell on you out of a tree it would kill you?

A battleship.

Captain Sousie · Post by **Captain Sousie** » Mon Feb 18, 2008 5:50 pm

What do you get when your canary flies into you lawnmower?

Shredded tweet.

Captain Sousie · Post by **Captain Sousie** » Mon Feb 18, 2008 5:52 pm

How do you fix a tuba?

With a tube-o' Glue

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 11:27 pm

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have sh*t in it.")
The kneeling man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English."
The Amish farmer replies: "Use two hands, you'll get more.

sungfw · Post by **sungfw** » Thu Feb 21, 2008 6:29 pm

Captain Sousie wrote:How do you fix a tuba?

With a tube-o' Glue

Nope.

You fix a tuba with a tuba toot-paste.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Thu Feb 21, 2008 6:38 pm

sungfw wrote:
Captain Sousie wrote:How do you fix a tuba?

With a tube-o' Glue
Nope.

Take out all the wrong notes, and play whatever's left.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Feb 22, 2008 8:19 am

http://funlist.funpic.hu/?page=attachvi ... 9&attach=1

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Feb 22, 2008 8:22 am

proof that a man needs a woman

http://funlist.funpic.hu/?page=attachvi ... 2&attach=1

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Feb 22, 2008 9:18 am

Not a political discussion...just a question and to ponder

Does this effect your political leanings?

http://funlist.funpic.hu/?page=attachvi ... 2&attach=1

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Sat Feb 23, 2008 12:14 pm

Oldie but goodie:
A cop stopped an old man on the highway and said," Sir, are you aware that your wife fell out of your car a few miles back"?
The old man replied, "Thank God, I thought I was going deaf."

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 8:47 am

I read that column. Then I laughed hysterically for about five minutes.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 9:23 am

I often see large toads smoking unfiltered cigarette butts in local tidal pools...

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 10:16 am

A related term might be, "moose knuckle".

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 10:05 am

The Cowboy and the Cop
A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy says, "Y'all havinâ€™ some problem with them circle flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you calling' me a horse's ***?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ***."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 10:20 am

Glasses
Soon after their last child left home for college, a husband was resting next to his wife on the couch, with his head in her lap.
She carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," She said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same andsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you look pretty good, too!"

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 10:21 am

Wal-Mart Greeter
A very unattractive, nasty, mean acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?
The ugly woman says "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. "Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?"
"Hell no", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 10:25 am

The Raffle
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 10:27 am

World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 10:29 am

Busted
WIFE: "If I died would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to
do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "sh*t."