Coming home for the final time

[Brassdad]

*warning - this is a long post


Last night, approximately 1910 hours (gotta do the Marine thing) {7:10 pm}, Pat went home.

The last 4 days with her home have been a blessing. She did have some discomfort and confusion on the first evening, but I attribute it all to my inexperience in what to do. My mother and I were up most of the night and we finally got her comfortable and she slept.
Saturday we finally got the routine and bed position figured out. That alone led to a 100% improvement in her ability to relax, nap, breath, and be ready for visitors. And it paid off because she got quite a few. Several family members, mothers from the band, a couple of neighbors, some friends we hadn't seen in a year, and even one family who drove up overnight from Raleigh N.C.
At times her response to conversation was delayed as she had to search for the words she wanted, but she was always "on message". In fact, I was sternly counseled by her about hogging the conversation when I attempted to fill the gaps while she seemed to struggle to express herself. This caused quite a relief to any underlying tension of that day
Sunday our pastor came over between am and pm services. She was completely there. Never had to pause in conversation nor strayed from the subject unless she wanted to change direction. Several issues we hadn't decided on were resolved finally. And it makes me happy that I am complying with her wishes rather than what I "thought" we had sort of worked out. In the evening she slept very soundly. In fact I woke up twice to ensure that she was still with me.
Monday I was certain that the end was coming, but I didn't realize how soon it was to be. She slept almost all day. She had lost the ability to take her own medication as she couldn't hold onto the small pills. She slept through two sets of visitors. BUT, she did wake up and acknowledge the presence of the Band Moms again when they came. She even woke up and sent them of as they were leaving.
It was a different kind of day, as the kids and I did have a couple of things we had to do...I wasn't really comfortable with the idea, but we had discussed that the kids were to be fully engaged in their activities and that normalcy was the most important thing to maintain in their lives. So at 6:30 pm I took our son Michael to church for a youth program and our daughter Rachel to the school for her first swimming lesson of the summer. I took my sister-in-law Mary with me as I thought I might need help during pick-up time so as not to leave our daughter alone at the pool while getting our son. I'm glad I did. About 15 minutes before the swimming lesson started I got a call from my father telling me to get home.

The trip took less than 5 minutes, but I was too late.

They told me that they had just finished diner and sat down in the living room. Pat was in a hospital bed that we had placed (at her direction) in the living room where the recliner that she had used so much over the last few months had been. Mom said that Pat had put her hands at her side (she had kept them at her chest all day) and took two deep breaths, then left. Mom said she did not seize, cough, or struggle in any way.

I am certain that she had cut a deal with God. She wanted to come home, she wanted to show the doctors that they may have been right in the final diagnosis - but wrong on timing, and she wanted her departure to be as little impact on her family as possible.
She ensured that the kids and I were out of the house.
Before she was released from the hospital, we had discussed that our biggest concern was what would happen if one of the kids (our daughter in particular) were to find her dead. She didn't want either of them to hate their new home because she died there. She and God worked that out.

I spent a few minutes with her and then Dad and I went back to the pool. He took Pat's sister Mary home and then went and got Michael as his event finished before Rachel’s. Mike has been very strong (that will change over time I'm sure). He even called some of our friends to let them know what had happened last night. Rachel continued her lessons for another half hour. There were a couple of times where I was concerned about her being over tired and maybe being in danger of going under. I even took my wallet and cell phone off so I could dive in if required, but she made it through fine. In fact she didn't want to leave the water when the lesson ended.
Rachel took it hard (but not as bad as I imagined it could be). She was upset that Pat didn't get to see her 50th birthday (we are both 49), or that she didn't get to see her turn 11. We both cried when she said that she really didn't want to be the girl at school without a mom. We sat at the school for a while and then finally went home when we were able to make some jokes about what we were going to do, and happy stories about Pat.

I was hoping that hospice would have gotten her out of the house by the time we got home. No such luck.
But in retrospect I think it was good. It took an additional half hour after getting home for that to happen. In that time my sister helped Rachel get cleaned up from swimming, and then Rachel came over to the bed and looked at her Mother for a while. When it seemed that she was starting to get emotional, I called her over and had her sit in my lap in the chair next to Pat. She is doing well. Today we are going to pick out what Pat will wear (closed casket at Pat's direction - a lifelong decision), and what pictures we want for her memorial service.

It's going to be tough. As Rachel said last night "It's never going to be the same." My Mom has said she is here as long as necessary. And I believe that if I asked it could be months. With my new career as a teacher it seems to have been God's timing to do this the week after school ended to give us as much time to settle as much as possible. She gave the kids a much better start than I ever could have. And she made me a better man than I ever was.

I now understand what kind of person rates the funeral procession that you see from time to time that just seems to go on forever. While celebrity or money may bring out a lot of people who are looking to get something tangible out of being there, and while great accomplishments in science, medicine, and the like might bring out admirers...it is the kind of life my lady lived everyday that made her so well loved of the people of this earth.

God bless you all.
Paul (brassdad) Wilson

[TubaRay]

As I sit here, Paul, I am in tears. That's saying something for the crusty old ^%$(% that I am. Thank you for sharing this experience with us. I pray that in the midst of such a sad occasion you may somehow receive a blessing. May God especially be with your kids. They will need it, probably more than you. I believe all of us on TubeNet share in your grief.

[windshieldbug]

I understand the sense of loss, and there is no other way to put it, regardless of how expected it was. God bless her, God bless you for making this as easy as you could for her, and God bless your family.

Mike Keller

[trseaman]

So sorry for your loss...

Remember the good times and share your memories, it will certainly help some... We lost my father in-law 9yrs ago and as they say, time will heal. I sure do miss his BBQ's!

May your family find peace...

Tim

[ASTuba]

Paul,

I honestly don't know what to say man. It's been 2 months to the day since I lost my fiancee in a car accident. I only had 7 wonderful months with her. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose someone you've been with for so long. All I know is that if you need ANYTHING, please feel free to get a hold of me. There's no magical advice to help with this, just try to love and honor her spirit everyday you can.

Take care, my thoughts and prayers are with you right now.

[OldsRecording]

Amen. Just keep on praying, and I will do likewise. God bless you and your family.

[dwaskew]

Sometimes it's easy to write/say something. Other times tears just get in the way.
Paul, your tnfj "family" will always remember you allowing us into your life in this way. your strength, faith, and just being dad and husband are wonderful ways to let the world know what an obviously wonderful wife you had. Thanks for sharing, and know, without doubt, you have many who are holding you and your family in thoughts and prayers.

[eupher61]

Paul, thanks for sharing your sorrow, and your joy, with us. It is amazing the way things work out so often.

To Rachel, I'll say "you have a mother. She will be with you always even if you can't touch her. Do your darndest to live up to her love for you!"

It sounds like Pat was an amazing woman to the end. You and your kids are so fortunate to have had her love in your lives. Cherish the wonderful times and the sad times.

tears can't be avoided...

[Rick Denney]

There's no way to be ready for a loved one to leave. But God gives us the strength as we need it, not before, and hopefully that will help you find comfort.

As I watched my wife go through an extended process of healing after losing her mother, I learned a lot, and since you chose to honor us by sharing this experience, I'll presume to share my observations with you:

Give yourself time, you'll need it. There is no rush, and no problem to be fixed. It just takes time. Treat your kids as you always have, dealing with behavior as behavior and setting an example of good character--you know how to do that.

It was good that your daughter was able to see your wife again after she had gone. In my observation, that really helps with the understanding down below the conscious thinking. For all time, people have seen their parents in their strength, and then seen them grow old or suffer calamity, and leave. Only in modern times have we tried to hide that from view, and you did a wonderful thing by building it into your family's experience instead of insulating yourself from it. I have no doubt that it will help.

And don't worry about the house holding bad memories. The memories will just be...complete. Sadness and joy are not unrelated.

Keep praying--don't disconnect from the source of healing. And keep the body fit while the heart heals.

One day, maybe not in the too distant future, you'll wake up. The sun will be shining, and the birds will be singing, and the future will look bright. Days like that will happen more and more, and begin to connect together. You are strong now, but even when you don't feel strong, know that those days will come.

Rick "in tears and prayer" Denney

[TMurphy]

Paul,

I am so deeply saddened by your loss. It is such a great tragedy to see someone so so beloved by family and friends taken at such a young age. The strength you have shown throughout this has been truly admirable. God bless you and your children.-TM

[bearphonium]

For Pat to be able to go at home, on her terms, is such a blessing. Thanks for sharing this journey with us, venting with your other family, as it were. I have been through this with both parents, and my mother-in-law, who was more of a friend than in-law, and can only imagine how tough it is going through this with your spouse. Know my thoughts are with you.

Ally"tears here too"House

[tofu]

Ave Atque Vale

[Brassdad]

This will be the last of my discussion on the matter on this thread.
First off, I want to thank everyone who commented here and to those who sent PMs. They meant a lot to me over these few days (seems like a lot longer).
Pat and I had discussed our final resting place off and on for years, okay since our wedding – or shortly thereafter. Because of my USMC service we never had a home or home town. Pat’s family had divided into a couple of areas of Ohio. (Marysville and Portsmouth) My family was in Logan Ohio and near Dayton. We had discussed going to Logan as it was fairly well centered between the other three locations. But then (after 25 years, I retired and moved to the eastern suburbs of Cincinnati. While she was in the hospital, I tried to ensure we discussed what we finally wanted done, but we didn’t really. It wasn’t until after she came home that she asked her sister (her closest friend) if she would mind her being buried in Logan. Pat was assured that she wouldn’t mind at all. My reason for not getting plots here in Milford was based upon my growing up and moving every few years, and then doing it again as an adult.
Now, my goal has been to put down roots so that the kids would have a place to call ours and have “grandma & grandpa’s” house for holidays and visits later. But I am afraid that with this new situation I might not be able to do it on my own and might have to move closer to family. If that were to happen, I wouldn’t want Pat here alone.
On Tuesday, my father was able to put me in contact with a funeral director in Logan. He likes him the best, and as my father deals with all the funeral homes for military funeral functions (he’s the commander of the local American Legion) I trusted his judgment. The gentleman did Pat right. He was able to get me the casket I wanted (heavy steel, pink velvet lining, slight lavender color exterior, nothing gaudy), and a very nice vault (galvanized – heavy gauge). What’s more he was able to get everything in place, finished, and coordinated with the cemetery for the funeral to be on Thursday 12 June. This allowed us to not compete with one of her nieces’ College Graduation.
Dad opened the house at 9 am for visitors. Pat did not want an open casket , so we thought that if we gathered somewhere other than the funeral home, any young kids to play as opposed to getting bored and into trouble. Additionally, we figured that there would be more of an enjoyable/celebratory meeting of family and friends in a more hospitable location. I had brought up about 10 photo albums and plenty of framed photos of Pat, I, and the kids from over the years. Everyone mixed and mingled. The stories of Pat were up lifting and every one learned something about her from some one else that they didn’t know before. Come 1 pm we were at the cemetery for the funeral.
My father’s brother Mervin gave me his two plots. He has moved to the northern part of Ohio with no intention of returning. The plots are less than 30 feet from where my paternal grandparents and infant brother are now, and where my parents will be when they pass on. This was a great blessing to me personally.
The pastor we got to perform the service was the gentleman who actually had married us back in 1982. I don’t think we had seen him half a dozen times in all those years, but when I got in contact with him he was quick to agree. Back before he married us, he had counseled us that none of the people he married were allowed to divorce. “His marriages were for life only!”
The ceremony was less than 15 minutes once it got started. It was a bright sunny day (if a bit humid). I was very proud of my son who requested to be at my wife’s right hand as a pallbearer. I never put it to him, as I didn’t want to impose…he brought it up two days before the funeral. There was nearly a stampede of male family and friends vying to carry her to her final resting place. My father ensured order prevailed and that Mike got his location.
Afterward we got back together and my parents house. Dad called for everyone’s attention. He announced how he had lost so much more than a daughter-in-law. He then went on to tell everyone that his house was Pat’s house and that anyone who went to visit her was to stop by the house as well (it is less than ¾ mile from his driveway to the entrance of the graveyard). He said that if anyone did otherwise, if he didn’t get them that Pat would.
Considering the nature of what had brought us together, the person who brought us together did so with a bittersweet joy that I wish everyone who reads this could (or does) know.
Am posting a couple of photos from this time.
Thanks for putting up with me -- and supporting me -- at this time

Pat letting the ICU Doc know her thoughts about his diagnosis...


The hillbillies come to ICU... (at one point there were 29 people and a dog in the room)

Pat comes home...


At the funeral - (left to right) Mike, Rachel, Brassdad (Paul), Grandma Thrush (my mother's mom)


Bob Asbury - completes the circle of our marriage...


Temp marker...


Me and the kids, breaking the tension...

[OldsRecording]

You have a couple of fine looking kids there. Still praying for you guys. Also- like the hats. Very dashing.

[Rick Denney]

Paul, you have no idea how personally honored I feel, as just one Tubenet participant, that you elected to share this with us. I hope that doing so has eased your burden, and I know that it has generated a lot of prayer and positive good will towards you and your family.

Rick Denney

[Brassdad]

Okay - I lied....so sue me.

I have been playing with some photos that my church took and made into a powerpoint slide show for a memorial service that was held 10 days ago.

I hope to get a recording of the piece my sons' quintet played in her honor.

Below is a composit photo I made form the power point. It includes Pat from our first ever USMC Birthday Ball taken in November 1982, and our last in November 2006.

Not sure who the punk kid or the old fat guy are...but I'm keeping an eye out for them!



I think Pat would be embarrased over the number of folks who have read this thread. I am personally honored.

Man - she was a fine looking lady - even if I do say so myself. (It's a shame I aged her so much - maybe I'll blame the kids )