No wonder I flunked english....

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ken k
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No wonder I flunked english....

Post by ken k »

Subject: English

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak
fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the
lovely language we share is only for the brave. Pursue at your leisure,
English lovers.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French
fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square, and
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it
that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and
hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If
you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by
ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you
fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by
going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by sungfw »

ken k wrote: P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
It does: quick = kwĭk; Buick = bü-wĭk

Rhyme is a repetition of identical or similar sounds in two or more different words. It is commonly taken to mean repetition of the terminal sound, but, strictly speaking, can be any sound. So, contra conventional wisdom, any number of English words rhyme with "orange," e.g. "fringe," "cringe," "binge," "hinge,""astringe," "lozonge," and "syringe" rhyme with "orange"; "chilver" (a breeding lamb) rhymes with "silver"; and "hirple" (to limp") and "curple" (the hindquarters of a horse) rhyme with "purple."


Homophones are found in every language. There is a famous Chinese story (Shi Eating the Lions) that consists entirely of the homophone shi. The story makes complete sense in written form, but is impossible to understand when read aloud.

Likewise, every language contains loan words and non-etymological word formations, and irregular inflection is found in every inflected language. English is no more irregular or unique in that regard than any other language that is not culturally isolated. Similar complaints can be made for any language; it's simply that native English-speakers, the vast majority of whom are monolingual, are not aware of the degree to which linguistic irregularities exist in other languages.
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by lgb&dtuba »

Image

It was joke, son. A joke, I say.
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by windshieldbug »

Image

Nyaaaaah! Don't worry about him... I t'ink it's just sour grapes 'cause he flunked English, too!
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by iiipopes »

Indeed. Homophones. Such as:

He went to pare a pear for a pair who were au pair in Pointe au pere.
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by Rick Denney »

iiipopes wrote:Indeed. Homophones. Such as:

He went to pare a pear for a pair who were au pair in Pointe au pere.

Yabbut, two of yours don't even pretend to be in English.

The problem, if it is a problem, is that English is a hodge-podge of different languages, owing to the many invaders who traipsed through Britain at one time or another. There's a bit of Celt, Old Icelandic, Norse, Saxon, Angle, Occotan, German (later Saxon), and, of course, Latin (from Roman times), and French (also Latinate, but the official court language until the Tudors or late Plantagenets, as I recall). There is often a word from several of these sources or groups of sources for any given thing. The result is a big vocabulary and utter inconsistency in the standards of use.

There are many, many cases where someone (often not a native speaker) asks me the reasoning behind a correction I made to their writing, and my only answer is, "because it sounds right". They ask for instructions, and I tell them to start reading books.

Rick "whose limited writing skills come from having been at times a voracious reader" Denney
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by Rick Denney »

Saw this poem in another forum (with no attribution, unfortunately) and thought of this thread:

I have a spelling checker -
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to bee a joule
The checker poured oar every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

That's why aye brake in two averse
By righting wants too pleas.
Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas!

Rick "noting that Firefox doesn't know 'cheque'" Denney
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by ken k »

Rick Denney wrote:Saw this poem in another forum (with no attribution, unfortunately) and thought of this thread:

I have a spelling checker -
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to bee a joule
The checker poured oar every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

That's why aye brake in two averse
By righting wants too pleas.
Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas!

Rick "noting that Firefox doesn't know 'cheque'" Denney

That is great!!!

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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by ken k »

make sure your spell check is off for this one

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by eupher61 »

I know we can make it.
I know darn well we can work it out.
Oh yes we can, I know we can can
Yes we can can, why can't we?
If we wanna get together we can work it out.

...
I know we can make it.
I know darn well we can work it out.
Oh yes we can, I know we can can
yes we can can, why can't we?
If we wanna, yes we can can.
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by The Jackson »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjhOBiSk8Gg" target="_blank

Taylor Mali :mrgreen:
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by Brucom »

Can you clarify this with proper punctuation:

John while Jack had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the teacher
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by Rick Denney »

ken k wrote:make sure your spell check is off for this one

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
I can read that easier than the poem I posted.

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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by windshieldbug »

Brucom, while Stow had had "had", had had "had had"; "had had" had had a better effect on the teacher.
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by iiipopes »

Rick Denney wrote:
iiipopes wrote:Indeed. Homophones. Such as:

He went to pare a pear for a pair who were au pair in Pointe au pere.
Yabbut, two of yours don't even pretend to be in English.
To the contrary. "Au pair" is now an accepted English language term for a young lady serving as a domestic helper especially with the caretaking of young children, with a status higher than a servant, but possibly not as high as actual relative by blood or marriage, and Pointe au pere, if not English, is an actual place in Canada, so if you get really picky about French Canada -- Quebec, or Engish speaking Canada, you might have a point, but the English speakers spell and pronounce it the same way, and one of the basic tenets of English is that proper names in modern usage transliterate directly rather than being modified as in antiquity.

And yes, I know all about the history of the English language. I've read the preface of Webster's Collegiate; I've taken etimology in school; I've studied it privately in conjunction with both English Literature in college from Beowulf on down, and the influence of Latin and Norman Middle French on the legal system. Do you remember the chapter about the "great vowel shift" of the late middle ages which the result is that for most English dialects, whether UK, USA, or other variants, we pronounce vowels completely differently than either the Romance (i.e. Latin and those languages derived therefrom, as French, Spanish & Italian) or the Germanic languages?

My biggest peeve with English is that there is no gender neutral second person pronoun.
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by jbaylies »

If a quiz is quizzical, then what's a test?

:roll:
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by windshieldbug »

Why do we drive our cars on a parkway
and park our cars on a driveway? :shock:
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by Doug@GT »

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

:roll:
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by TMurphy »

Doug@GT wrote:Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

:roll:
I was just about to quote that one, Doug, but you beat me to it.
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Re: No wonder I flunked english....

Post by windshieldbug »

Freak Jury® freak jury freak jury Freak Jury® freak jury Freak Jury®
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