Puns!

[tubatooter1940]

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon they gave him the cold shoulder.

[ken k]

great one eupher , I haven't read that one for a long time....
k

(for those of you who couldn't tell, no pun intended)

[ken k]

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon they gave him the cold shoulder.

Since you mentioned cannibals...

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

[ken k]

Bar Puns....

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A sandwich walks Into a bar. The bartender says, Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

[ken k]

not really a pun, but since we got into some bar jokes...

Two tuba players walk PAST a bar.......

Well it could happen i guess....

[OldsRecording]

I did a magic trick the other day. I was driving down the street, and I suddenly turned into a driveway.

[ken k]

why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway???

[tubatooter1940]

There is a sign on the lawn of the drug rehab center that says, "Keep off the grass."

[OldsRecording]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

That reminds me of the dislexic philosopher who was constantly debating the existance of Dog.

[tubatooter1940]

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

[windshieldbug]

(True story)I had an Anglophile friend who drove a Rover, but when he applied to the Department of Motor Vehicles of New Jersey to get license plates so that he could have a Rover named dog, the wouldn't give them to him, citing the effect the front plate would have to drivers looking in their rear-view mirrors.

[OldsRecording]

The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader called Abraham of Com
Did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called

'Amazon Dot Com'.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband,

'Why dost thou travel far from
Town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy
Tent?'

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
Short of a camel load, but simply said,

'How, dear?'

And Dot replied,

'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages
Saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the
Best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by
Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
The drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price,

Without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy A man named Maccabia did secrete
(look it up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum

And was accused
Of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth
The greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called

Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
Deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going
To the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every
Drum company in the land.

And indeed did insist on making drums that would
Work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say,

Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.'

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or as it
Came to be known 'eBay' he said,

We need a name that reflects what we are.'
And Dot replied,

'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'

'YAHOO!'

Said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.

[tubatooter1940]

All the counts, no-counts and discounts were assembled in the square. They were slinging camel dung because B.S. had not yet been invented.
The king came into the square in his jeweled jock with David on his white charger. Somebody threw some camel plop at David. David ducked and it hit the king.
"S#*< ", said the king and there was a low rumble over the land for many bowel movements were made that day.

[OldsRecording]

As the Zen master said to the hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything!"

[tubatooter1940]

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

[ken k]

So this guy is having some dental problems and goes to the dentist. It turns out his crown is corroding!! The dentist is very confused and asks the man, "So have you been eating anyting different to make this crown corrode like this?"

And the man says, "You know doc, my wife made this delicious hollendaise sauce for dinner the other week and i thought it was so delicious I have been eating it on everything the past few weeks."

"Everything?" the doc asks.

"Yes, I put it on breakfast cereal. I use it as a condiment for my sandwiches. I put it on steak, vegetables, potatoes, ice cream, everything. I love it!"

"Well," the doc says, "Hollandaise sauce is very acidic. We willl have to get you a chrome-plated crown then."

The man looks surprised and asks "Chrome-plated ? Why is that?"

"Well," says the dentist.....






(wait for it...)






(you know you are going to hate this one......)






(I have to apologize ahead of time...)





"There is no plate like chrome for the hollendaise"


ken "Happy Hollandaise everyone!" k

[tubatooter1940]

Lawyer: "Would you please tell the jury the truth. Why did you shoot you husband with a bow and arrow?"
Defendant: "I didn't want to wake the children."

[ken k]

that was only two thirds of a pun.....


PU


k

[tubatooter1940]

If you thought that one was bad:

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy."

[ken k]

If you thought that one was bad:

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy."

I bet you are!!!

ken "the worse they are the better....... ." k