Worst. Jokes. Ever.

[TubaGoon]

What was the pirate movie rated?
























PG-13 for violence and brief nudity.

Brilliant! lol!

[LoyalTubist]

A woman went to the doctor complaining of back pains. The doctor said the entire problem was dehydration. He said she was to "drink six to nine glasses of water a day."

The following week, the woman came back. She said she felt a lot better...

"...but I couldn't drink all that water... I could only drink 35 glasses... Don't you think 69 glasses is a bit much for a human being?"

[ken k]

what's green and red and goes "Whrrrrrr"?

A frog in a blender.....

sorry

[ken k]

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!"

HA

this could very well be the best worst one yet....

[fenne1ca]

So, 3 tuba players walk past a bar... hey, it could happen!

[big_blue_tubist]

Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first says to the second "man, it's hot in here." the second replies: " Oh my god, it's a talking muffin!"

[lgb&dtuba]

So, what do you call yourselves?

The Aristocrats.

[tubatooter1940]

No, this is bad:
Why do you put a monkey in the meat grinder feet first?
So you can watch his expression.

[smyoung]

How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb? 1...5...1...5...1...5...1.....

[ken k]

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer
a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not bad.

[THE TUBA]

A tubist and euphoniumist are in a car. Who is driving?


The police officer.


--
What's the difference between an orchestra conductor and a knight in shining armor?


A knight can stop the 'dragon.' (eh, that one works a lot better when said)

--

and on a similar note:

What do the Atlanta Falcons and trumpet players have in common?

They always rush.

[k001k47]

So a horse walks into a bar.
The bar tender then immediately proceeds to call animal control. Horses don't belong in bars.

[windshieldbug]

What do the Atlanta Falcons and trumpet players have in common?

They both like to bet on dogfights.

[Brucom]

Why do we have a new harp player?
She pulled some strings.

[eupher61]

what's black and white and red all over and can't get through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head.

[windshieldbug]

How can you tell if a viola is out of tune?
Someone is bowing it.

[windshieldbug]

How can you tell if a saxophone is being played out of tune?

It is being played.

You mean, "operated"

[windshieldbug]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

"He should've quit while he was a head!"

[Brucom]

Just sign right here and you can pick any job description you want after Basic Training.

[tubatooter1940]

Funeral director to grieving widow, "Why have you requested us to bury your husband with only his buttocks showing above ground?'
She replied, "That way when I visit his grave, I'll have a place to park my bicycle."