Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Kevin Hendrick]

Okay, who's relaxing in here? Come on! Out with it!

No relaxing here! (well, not yet ... maybe later ... )

[bububassboner]

Okay, who's relaxing in here? Come on! Out with it!

[tubaguy9]

How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?

Rearrange the furnature...

Leave a plunger in the toilet.


Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?

You would too if your name was aldkfjapsdlkfqjpweokf.

[windshieldbug]

How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?

Rearrange the furnature...

Leave a plunger in the toilet.


Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?

You would too if your name was aldkfjapsdlkfqjpweokf.

Those of us named Keller don't quite appreciate those...

[tubaguy9]

How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?

Rearrange the furnature...

Leave a plunger in the toilet.


Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?

You would too if your name was aldkfjapsdlkfqjpweokf.

Those of us named Keller don't quite appreciate those...

But it's only a joke...

and is your first name Helen?

[windshieldbug]

But it's only a joke...
and is your first name Helen?

FYI: check the wink ↑
(and yes, my first name IS Helen, and I read music by using The Music Man's "think" method, with very inconsistent results... )

[Kevin Hendrick]

But it's only a joke...
and is your first name Helen?

FYI: check the wink ↑
(and yes, my first name IS Helen, and I read music by using The Music Man's "think" method, with very inconsistent results... )

"... and don't call me Shirley!"

[Kevin Hendrick]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver (a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie) leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man -- obviously a yuppie -- then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals, and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a United States Congressman," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You wanted to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living -- or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

[OldsRecording]

A Navy F-18 pilot was coming home from a mission when he noticed on his radar a very slow moving C-130, so he thought he'd have a little fun. He accelerated, buzzing by the slower transport plane, and kept coming back, doing barrel rolls, snap rolls, Immelmann turns, etc. Finally, he shouts over the radio "Hey Air Force! What did you think of that?" And the Air Force pilot replied "That's nothing. Watch this!" With that, the fighter pilot slowed down, pulled along side the other plane and watched in amazement as the transport plane did absolutely nothing for about five minutes. Finally, the Air Force pilot came on the radio and said "Well? What did you think?" "I don't get it." Said the fighter pilot. "What did you do?" "I'll tell you what I did. I got up, streached, walked to the back of the plane, took a piss, checked my e-mail and grabbed a cup of coffee and a donut on the way back!"

[Kevin Hendrick]

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

That might explain the lower number of "brain mags" you'll find on the newsstand. A new rule of "thumb", perhaps?

[Nick Pierce]

Women blink twice as often as men.

They say that people blink more often when they are lying. Coincidence?

[Kevin Hendrick]

11. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his mother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

A little syrup of ipecac might have helped them "reverse the charges"! (he would've been "emetically unsealed")

[OldsRecording]

Fifteen Quick and Stupid Ones

1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

2. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

3. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

4. No matter how much you push the envelope it will always be stationery.

5. A cat gave birth near the road and was cited for littering.

6. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

7. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

10. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center read, "Keep off the Grass."

11. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his mother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

12. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

13. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

14. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

15. A backward poet writes inverse.

16. The dyslexic agnostic who doubted the existance of Dog.

[windshieldbug]

There was once a sailor shipwrecked on the most magical island, ruled by dolphins that could not die. The shore was guarded by large, ferocious jungle cats. The dolphins had a sweet tooth for the shorebirds that also lived there, so while the cats lounged in the midday sun, they convinced the sailor to fetch them some.

He did, but to his everlasting grief, he was charged with the Mann Act:

Transporting gulls across stately lions for immortal porpoises.

[Brassdad]

Church Bulletin Bloopers
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"

Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

[Brassdad]

More church bloopers

1. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

2. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of this church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

3. Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed", accompanied by the Pastor.

4. Thursday at 5 p. m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet the pastor in the study.

5. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

6. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

7. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

8. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

9. Tonight's Sermon: What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

10. Evening massage - 6 p. m.

11. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

12. The Diet Club will meet Thursday night at 7:30 p. m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

13. Our annual church picnic will be held Saturday afternoon. If it rains, it will be held in the morning.

14. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

15. A cookbook is being compiled by the ladies of the church. Please submit your favorite recipe, also a short antidote for it.

16. The senior pastor will be away for two weeks. The staff members during his absence you will find pinned to the church notice board.

17. The low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p. m. Please use the back door.

18. Ushers will eat latecomers.

19. Women's Group sale of unwanted items. Please bring your husbands.

20. The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment.

21. Would the congregation kindly remember that the box marked 'For the Sick' is for financial contributions only.

22. The vicar is on holiday until the 27th. Local clergy will be celebrating on the Sundays when he is away.

23. Mr. Bradford was elected and has accepted the office of head deacon. We could not get a better man

24. Are you 45 and getting nowhere? Why not consider the Christian ministry?

25. Services are at 11:00 and 6:30. Come early if you want a back seat.

26. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

27. Hymn No. 58 - 'Gold Will Take Care of You.'

28. Visitors are asked to sing their names at the church entrance.

29. Our young people are preparing the pizza dinner. It will be held in the perish hall.

30. The maintenance of the church graveyard is becoming increasingly costly. It would be a great help if parishioners would do their best to tend their own graves.

31. The Ladies Society will be selling their new cookbook at the church supper this Wednesday night. The proceeds will help purchase a stomach pump for our community hospital.

32. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

33. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

34. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

35. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

36. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

37. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice-cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

38. The service will close with Little Drop of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

39. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

40. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

41. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

42. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

43. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

44. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

45. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

46. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

47. The sermon this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH. The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD

48. The sermon this morning: GOSSIP . . . THE SPEAKING OF EVIL. The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY

49. The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES #3 . . . EUTHANASIA The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE

50. The sermon this morning: PREDESTINATION . . . WHAT ABOUT HELL? The closing song: I'LL GO WHERE YOU WANT ME TO GO

51. If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.

52. The preacher will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy".

53. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course. 8 p. m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

54. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

55. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

56. The Church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

57. The 'eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's 'Hamlet' in the church basement on Friday at 7 p. m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

58. We need volunteers for summer camp. There will be sinning and dancing.

59. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

60. A minister posted a sign at his reserved parking space in the church lot: "Old Proverb - He who parks in Minister's space must preach Sunday Sermon."


61. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The Pastor will then speak on, "It's a Terrible Experience".

62. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

63. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

64. The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the Minister's daughter who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

65. Today's Sermon: How much can a man drink? with hymns from a full choir.

66. The Lutheran Mens Group will meet at 6 p. m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

67. Irving Benson and Jessie Cort were married October 14 in the Church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.

68. Bilingual Chicken Dinner this Sunday at Noon

69. The Gospel according to Luck

70. Sunday worship will begin with personal medication

71. The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday, "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

72. Church Rummage Sale: A good opportunity to get rid of anything not worth keeping but too good to throw away. Bring your husband.

73. This evening at 7:00 p. m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

74. Hymn: Immoral, Invisible

[Brassdad]

Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

3 A room temperature IQ..

4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

5. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

6. Bright as Alaska in December.

7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

8. So dense, light bends around him.

9. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

10. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this officer.

3. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

4. He would be out of his depth in a car parkpuddle.

5. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

6. This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

7. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

8. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

9. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

10. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

11. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

[tubatooter1940]

Good stuff, Brassdad.
You know you're getting old when:
1. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
2. Your mind makes promises your body can't keep.
3. Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
4. You and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.
5. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top.
6. Your back goes out but you stay home.
7. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
8. You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions.
9. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
10. You finally get your head together and your body is falling apart.
11. It takes twice as long to look half as good.
12. It takes two tries to get off the couch.
13. You don't remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat.
14. Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.
15. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
16. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

[OldsRecording]

A middle-aged biker was out for a mid-day ride when he decided to stop at a lonely, roadside bar. Walking in and scanning the menu, he sawthe usual bar fare- hamburgers, cheeseburgers, fries, etc- and at the bottom of the sign he noticed a more unusual offering- "Manual Gratification- $50.00". He checked his wallet to make sure of the financial situation, sat down at the bar and caught the eye of the attractive young woman behind the bar as she was serving coffee to a group of weatherbeaten old farmers. "Hi, Hon. Can I help you?" Said the bartender, walking over. "Sure," replied the biker. "Tell me something, though," he asked in a quiet voice "are you the one responsible for the manual gratification?" The woman flashed him a coy but knowing smile. "I sure am, Hon. Can I 'do' something for you?" "Absolutely, Sweet Thing." said the biker "Go wash your hands. I'd like a cheeseburger."

[tubatooter1940]

A doorman at a fashionable New York hotel asked a passing hooker what she would charge for "manual gratification" (thanks, OldsRecording).
She said, "$50, you want one"?
He replied, "No thanks, I just wanted to know how much money I would be saving if I did it myself".