Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[TubaTodd]

* Some people who take Fukitol experience serious liver problems. Your doctor should check your liver function before you start this medication and continue frequently thereafter. If you experience malaise, weakness, tiredness, facial swelling, loss of appetite, or vomiting inform your doctor immediately; this may be a sign of more serious liver problems.

** Take Fukitol with plenty of fluids. Drinking less than a full 12 floz glass of alcohol with each dose can reduce Fukitol's effectiveness.

*** You should not take Fukitol if you are pregnant, nursing, pregnamt and nursing, or thinking about becoming pregnant and/or nursing.

**** You shoud see how Fukitol affects you before driving heavy machinery or operating aircraft.

***** Fukitol now stays crunchy - even in milk.

******Fukitol maybe habit forming. Combining Fukitol with other medications, such as those prescribed for "E D", may cause a serious drop in bank account. Use only as directed by a physician and/or attorney.

*******Be aware of cheap substitutes, such as screwitol or pissonit. These generic substitutes have shown to be less effective than Fukitol. Only those doctors who have been exposed to Specialized High Intensity Training should prescribe Fukitol.

******** Do not taunt Fukitol. Should Fukitol start to smoke, run away and seek help.

[djwesp]

A male patient is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. He is still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A female nurse's aide appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Are my testicles black?"

Reluctantly, the aide pulls back the covers and raises his gown. She holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand, takes a close look at his genitals and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was nice, but listen closely: Are...my...test...results...back?"

[Brassdad]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
----------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
----------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest
is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
----------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
----------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....
----------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
----------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground,
ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
----------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
----------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
----------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.

[tbn.al]

True story! My brother who who still lives in my small South Arkansas home town got some bad gas in his truck Saturday night. He was trying to nurse the bucking, snorting beast home when it finally died, rolled almost to a stop and then backfired a huge fireball out the exhaust. He say the report was deafening. Within seconds the blue lights had pulled up behind him and a young officer dismounted, gun drawn. My brother rolled down his window to hear, "Mister, are you ok?" Bob replied, "Sure, are you?" "Somebody is shooting at you, but I can't see him" was the reply. Before my brother could calm him down, 2 other cruisers pulled up, lights flashing, guns drawn. These verterans were not too happy to find a dead Ford pickup instead of the gun battle they invisioned while breaking their necks to respond to the kid's shots fired radio call. When the scope of the situation dawned on him, he said he started laughing and couldn't stop himself. One of the veterans ordered him to shut up 'cause this was not funny. He finally got the truck started again and huffed and puffed off as the young cop got the business from the old guys. He was just hoping the old truck wouldn't commit a second sin before he got out of earshot. This is a small town, 25,000. This poor kid better just find a new department a few hundred miles away because he will hear this forever.

[windshieldbug]

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[Brassdad]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when

he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."


The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he

walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he

enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope.

When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in

silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"



She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts,

24" waist, and 34" hips.


When she walks into a room, people say,"Oh My God."

[Brassdad]

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff..
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.


He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

[The Jackson]

Where's a rim shot when you need one?

I'll try to drum one up...

[windshieldbug]

Where's a rim shot when you need one?

http://instantrimshot.com/" target="_blank

[Brassdad]

Where's a rim shot when you need one?

http://instantrimshot.com/" target="_blank" target="_blank

That is too cool...and now on my computer!

[Brassdad]

R U a Retrosexual man?

Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui."

Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple sexual - bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement."

The Code

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual eats red meat.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an end cap (possibly 2 end caps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up".

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your truck.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow(hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land. Except on his truck--that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's)

NOTE:The person in military dress may turn down the offer, but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

Also, a Retrosexual man doesn't make lame *** excuses for his problems, he pulls himself up by his bootstraps and mans up and deals with it!!

[Todd S. Malicoate]

Brassdad...OORAH!!!

[TubaRay]

Brassdad for president--at least of NBC. Perhaps he could change their name BACK to National Broadcasting Company, from No Body Cares.

[Chadtuba]

Hope you don't mind Brassdad, but I borrowed your new "rules" and posted them on Facebook. Absolutely wonderful

[shovelingtom]

Wondermark #585.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me.

[Dylan King]

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Wales

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

[Brassdad]

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington, IA, to Branson, MO.
As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!!"

[Brassdad]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

[The Jackson]

The owner of an AK knows:
Your rifle can be used by any two bit nation's most illiterate conscripts to fight elite forces worldwide.

The owner of an AR knows:
Your rifle is used by elite forces worldwide to fight two bit nations' most illiterate conscripts.

The owner of a Mosin-Nagant knows:
Your rifle has fought against itself and won every time.

[imperialbari]

A blonde calls her boyfriend. "Please come over here and help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend goes over. She shows him where the puzzle is spread over the table. He looks at the pieces then tells her to calm down and help him put the Frosted Flakes back in the box.

The is prejudiced and discriminatory towards a whole population segment!

Intelligent blondes are a well defined group:

http://tinyurl.com/Intelligent-Blondie

K