Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[tbn.al]

Expand it from a commercial to an opera and get Ulrik Cold to sing the role of the snowman.

[ken k]

what do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?????

frostbite

[imperialbari]

Expand it from a commercial to an opera and get Ulrik Cold to sing the role of the snowman.

Glad you knew Ulrik Cold. Sadly he left us 3 months ago.

Klaus

[Tom Mason]

A man walks into the bar.

2 ants are singing "We've only just begun..........."


The man asks the bartender," What's up with the ants?"

The bartender replies...


"They're Carpenter ants"

[imperialbari]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi1uQV4wJ0Q

[TubaRay]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi1uQV4wJ0Q

Klaus: The call was for more humor. Not for something disgusting.

[imperialbari]

Exchanging humour is important for at least some humans.

Exchanging vital digestive microorganisms is equally important for other species. There are approaches towards my body I do not accept. The humour for me was about how relaxed the elephants were.

Klaus

PS: I guess you all are aware about a modern treatment of diabetes type II?

[clunkertruck]

One Saturday afternoon, a man was scheduled to make a truck delivery of a couple of
animals to the local zoo-- He was already running a little late when his truck broke down
about twenty miles from his destination-- He was able to call in and get a mobile repair
tech on the way but because he was already late, he didn't think he could make it before
The zoo closed for the weekend-- This was really BAD cause he'd get stuck caring for the
animals till the zoo reopened

Before the repair tech arrived, a blonde woman pulled over and asked the man if everything
was alright and if maybe he needed a lift to a phone or something-- He told the girl thanks,
but he had already called in and had help comeing-- But being so late he thought out loud
to her about maybe, if at all she would, take the two chimps to the zoo and he would give
her 100 dollars!-- After a few please's and some desperate looks from the man, she finally
agreed so he loaded the monkeys into her car, gave her the cash, and off she went--

After about a half hour, the mobile repair teck showed up and set to work on the man's
truck-- It took another hour and a half, but he finally found the problem, fixed it, and
got the driver back on his way--

When the man finally reached the town, he had gone about halfway to his next drop off
when he spotted this blonde woman walking down the sidewalk holding hands with BOTH of
those monkies!!!-- He slamed on the brakes and got the rig pulled over-- He got out and
ran across yelling at this woman " Lady, Lady, I thought you were going to take these
monkies to the zoo for me !"-- She said " But I DID! It's just that I had enough money
left over from what you gave me, that I thought I'd take them to the museum too"

[tbn.al]

Heard at the ASO/Cheiftains concert last night.
An Irishman goes into a pub and orders 3 shots in separate glasses, drinks all three... boom , boom , boom and leaves. Next night same thing. This goes on for a week. Finally the bartender has to ask. "You know, I could pour you a single glass with the same 3 shots for a dollar less." Yeah I know", says the Irishman, "but I have 2 brothers back in the mother country that I like to remember this way." The barkeep thinks that's great to remember his bros that way. After a couple of months of this the guy comes in one night and only orders 2 shots. "I hope everthing is ok with your brothers," he says. "Oh yeah, they're fine," says the Irishman, " I just went on the wagon myself."

[tbn.al]

Expand it from a commercial to an opera and get Ulrik Cold to sing the role of the snowman.

Glad you knew Ulrik Cold. Sadly he left us 3 months ago.

Klaus

Oops! I dodn't know or I wouldn't have posted that. Bad form there!

[Tubajug]

How do you catch a polar bear?

- Cut a hole in the ice, put frozen peas all around and when he comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice-hole.

=====================================

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
- It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
- It was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
- Peer pressure.

[Homerun]

What do you hear when a Victoria's secret model farts?


-air on the G String

[Biggs]

What do you hear when a Victoria's secret model farts?

Trick question, as this never happens.

[Brassdad]

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And,
finally....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Jeffrey Hicks]

What do you throw a drowning bassoon player?....


His case........

[Rick F]

It's so dry here in South Florida that for baptism...

the Baptist are now sprinklin'
the Presbyterian's are using wet-wipes,
and the Catholic's are praying to have the wine turned back into water.

[Brassdad]

I Owe It All To My Mother…..
(it's a little long, but I just couldn't help it!)
1.. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "
Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16.. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23.. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite:
25.. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

[Brassdad]

This guy was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the front door. There were two sheriffs there. He asked them if there was a problem. One of the sheriffs asked if he was married and if he could see a picture of his wife. The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, "I sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality, and is a good cook too."

[Brassdad]

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

[Brassdad]

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.