Band boosters!
Mid-Week Bad Humor
Forum rules
Be kind. No government, state, or local politics allowed. Admin has final decision for any/all removed posts.
Be kind. No government, state, or local politics allowed. Admin has final decision for any/all removed posts.
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MartyNeilan
- 6 valves
- Posts: 4876
- Joined: Fri Mar 19, 2004 3:06 am
- Location: Practicing counting rests.
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Captain Sousie
- 4 valves
- Posts: 734
- Joined: Thu Oct 14, 2004 4:17 pm
- Location: Section 5
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MartyNeilan
- 6 valves
- Posts: 4876
- Joined: Fri Mar 19, 2004 3:06 am
- Location: Practicing counting rests.
Re: beet.9th
Just get your conductor to perform Mahler's arrangement of the 9thMikeMason wrote:i suppose it would be a wet blanket to mention there is no tuba part for Beethoven...
Adjunct Instructor, Trevecca Nazarene University
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Dylan King
- YouTube Tubist
- Posts: 1602
- Joined: Tue Aug 17, 2004 1:56 am
- Location: Weddington, NC, USA.
- Contact:
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Dan Schultz
- TubaTinker
- Posts: 10424
- Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2004 10:46 pm
- Location: Newburgh, Indiana
- Contact:
This guy had four great-looking sons. His wife gave birth to a fifth son and he was so ugly the doctor slapped the mother. The father demanded to know who the wife had been fooling around with and she replied "no one this time". 
Dan Schultz
"The Village Tinker"
http://www.thevillagetinker.com" target="_blank
Current 'stable'... Rudolf Meinl 5/4, Marzan (by Willson) euph, King 2341, Alphorn, and other strange stuff.
"The Village Tinker"
http://www.thevillagetinker.com" target="_blank
Current 'stable'... Rudolf Meinl 5/4, Marzan (by Willson) euph, King 2341, Alphorn, and other strange stuff.
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Dylan King
- YouTube Tubist
- Posts: 1602
- Joined: Tue Aug 17, 2004 1:56 am
- Location: Weddington, NC, USA.
- Contact:
A dude walks into a Denny's restaurant and orders a hamburger. The waitress brings him his order and he takes a big, hungry bite. He notices that it is full of little black hairs. Disgusted, he demands to see the chef immediately.
When he walks into the kitchen, he can't believe his eyes. The chef is forming the burgers by patting them together under his arms. Even more disgusted, he tells the chef that he is going to call the health department and have the restaurant shut down immediately.
The waitress who is standing in the kitchen with them giggles and says, "You think that's bad, you should see how he makes his doughnuts!"
When he walks into the kitchen, he can't believe his eyes. The chef is forming the burgers by patting them together under his arms. Even more disgusted, he tells the chef that he is going to call the health department and have the restaurant shut down immediately.
The waitress who is standing in the kitchen with them giggles and says, "You think that's bad, you should see how he makes his doughnuts!"
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Dylan King
- YouTube Tubist
- Posts: 1602
- Joined: Tue Aug 17, 2004 1:56 am
- Location: Weddington, NC, USA.
- Contact:
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JB
- pro musician
- Posts: 704
- Joined: Fri Mar 19, 2004 1:04 pm
Revocation of independence
Britain rethinks 1776, wants its colony back.
Dateline: Sunday, February 20, 2005
attributed to John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97. 85 percent of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after raising your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour"; skipping the letter "U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter "Z" (pronounced "zed" not "zee") and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra" e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as "Pittsberg" if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more "bleeps" in The Daily Show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in "Frasier").
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents ‹ Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task number one (above). We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15 percent of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15 percent of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards, or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call "French fries" are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85 percent of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon ‹ get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese is a famous British actor. He is known best for his Monty Python skits and the BBC series, Fawlty Towers.
Britain rethinks 1776, wants its colony back.
Dateline: Sunday, February 20, 2005
attributed to John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97. 85 percent of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after raising your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour"; skipping the letter "U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter "Z" (pronounced "zed" not "zee") and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra" e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as "Pittsberg" if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more "bleeps" in The Daily Show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in "Frasier").
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents ‹ Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task number one (above). We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15 percent of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15 percent of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards, or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call "French fries" are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85 percent of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon ‹ get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese is a famous British actor. He is known best for his Monty Python skits and the BBC series, Fawlty Towers.
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corbasse
- 3 valves
- Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri May 28, 2004 2:52 pm
- Location: Bruges, Belgium
Since when does John Cleese fall under mid-week BAD humorJB wrote:Revocation of independence
Britain rethinks 1776, wants its colony back.
Dateline: Sunday, February 20, 2005
attributed to John Cleese
...................................
John Cleese is a famous British actor. He is known best for his Monty Python skits and the BBC series, Fawlty Towers.
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Tom Mason
- pro musician
- Posts: 394
- Joined: Fri Mar 19, 2004 8:43 am
- Location: Middle of nowhere, close to nothing
more humor
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK, then its you.
When we go to the supermarket and somebody rams your ankle with a shopping cart and then apologizes for it, why do you say "it's all right". Well, it's not all right, so why don't you say "That hurt, you stupid idiot"!
Tom Mason
When we go to the supermarket and somebody rams your ankle with a shopping cart and then apologizes for it, why do you say "it's all right". Well, it's not all right, so why don't you say "That hurt, you stupid idiot"!
Tom Mason
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Joe Baker
- 5 valves
- Posts: 1162
- Joined: Fri Mar 19, 2004 8:37 am
- Location: Knoxville, TN
Shoot, and the website is up and runnin' and PERFECT for a Grumpy ol' Man...
http://www.wtf.com
_________________________________
Joe Baker, who wishes they had at LEAST kept T.U.B.A. as a sort of "amateur's auxilliary", for those of us who have little or no interest in the oh-so-scholarly stuff.
http://www.wtf.com
_________________________________
Joe Baker, who wishes they had at LEAST kept T.U.B.A. as a sort of "amateur's auxilliary", for those of us who have little or no interest in the oh-so-scholarly stuff.
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Ames0325
- bugler
- Posts: 146
- Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2004 12:30 am
- Contact:
Hmmm... well I concur with the seond and third but I am pretty surethere ae quite a few of us who consider ourselves REAL tuba players who simply roll our eyes when the first topic comes up. Besides I prefer talking thinking... about men.IT OCCURRED TO ME (again, in a dream) that REAL tuba players (if a thread goes on long enough - and is not oh so sympathetically "locked" by Mr. Sean Chisham) eventually turn every thread topic towards one of three things...
Women
Tubas (and more tubas)
Food
Amy
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TubaRay
- 6 valves
- Posts: 4109
- Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2004 4:24 pm
- Location: San Antonio, Texas
- Contact:
I would consider that to be good news, Amy. I believe the male members of TubeNet will be quite willing to allow you to edit this to reflect your feelings. Please don't be offended that we tend to think of women as much as we do tubas.Ames0325 wrote:Hmmm... well I concur with the seond and third but I am pretty surethere ae quite a few of us who consider ourselves REAL tuba players who simply roll our eyes when the first topic comes up. Besides I prefer talking thinking... about men.
Women
Tubas (and more tubas)
Food
Amy
Ray Grim
The TubaMeisters
San Antonio, Tx.
The TubaMeisters
San Antonio, Tx.
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Ames0325
- bugler
- Posts: 146
- Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2004 12:30 am
- Contact:
Hmmm MTF isn't quite so nice of an acronym though. ( and probably would be true of less of the general tuba player population.I would consider that to be good news, Amy. I believe the male members of TubeNet will be quite willing to allow you to edit this to reflect your feelings.Please don't be offended that we tend to think of women as much as we do tubas.
NOw that you point it out... I see that.Simply by utilizing the reflexive axiom, you proved your own statement wrong in the very making of it.
Amy
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Dan Schultz
- TubaTinker
- Posts: 10424
- Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2004 10:46 pm
- Location: Newburgh, Indiana
- Contact:
VERY IMPORTANT!" - "PLEASE READ!"
Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and
parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women.
Females are using a 'date-rape drug' called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere!
"Beer" as it is commonly referred to, is used by 'female predators' to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "Beers," and then ask him home for 'no-strings-attached Sex', .... a simple approach that renders most men helpless.
After several "Beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women.
Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened.
Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship!"
In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "Marriage!"
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "Beer" is administered.
Forward this warning to every male you know! And, if you or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured, .... male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses" or "Community Bands"!
Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and
parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women.
Females are using a 'date-rape drug' called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere!
"Beer" as it is commonly referred to, is used by 'female predators' to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "Beers," and then ask him home for 'no-strings-attached Sex', .... a simple approach that renders most men helpless.
After several "Beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women.
Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened.
Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship!"
In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "Marriage!"
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "Beer" is administered.
Forward this warning to every male you know! And, if you or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured, .... male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses" or "Community Bands"!
Dan Schultz
"The Village Tinker"
http://www.thevillagetinker.com" target="_blank
Current 'stable'... Rudolf Meinl 5/4, Marzan (by Willson) euph, King 2341, Alphorn, and other strange stuff.
"The Village Tinker"
http://www.thevillagetinker.com" target="_blank
Current 'stable'... Rudolf Meinl 5/4, Marzan (by Willson) euph, King 2341, Alphorn, and other strange stuff.
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Dan Schultz
- TubaTinker
- Posts: 10424
- Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2004 10:46 pm
- Location: Newburgh, Indiana
- Contact:
You in San Francisco?Joe Baker wrote:Wait a second, Dan. The last beer I was offered was from a MALE FRIEND!
'course... then again, how can most of us be sure you are a male? 
I think I remember Mary Ann trying to convince us she is a male Hmmm.... now that I think about all this, I'm going to go look! Be back in a minute. Gotta find a mirror Dan Schultz
"The Village Tinker"
http://www.thevillagetinker.com" target="_blank
Current 'stable'... Rudolf Meinl 5/4, Marzan (by Willson) euph, King 2341, Alphorn, and other strange stuff.
"The Village Tinker"
http://www.thevillagetinker.com" target="_blank
Current 'stable'... Rudolf Meinl 5/4, Marzan (by Willson) euph, King 2341, Alphorn, and other strange stuff.