Getting child #1 ready for child #2

Uncle Buck · Post by **Uncle Buck** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 4:02 pm

OK, this is WAY off topic, but I will desparately accept any advice on this issue that is casting a very ominous cloud over my family life in the near future.

Child #1, David, will be 25 months old when Child #2, probably to be named Amy, comes in January. David is already deeply into the terrible twos, and the attention neediness, jealousy, etc. that we thought was under control a few months ago is back in full force.

Any suggestions appreciated.

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 4:12 pm

I would suggest giving him some responsibilities in connection with the new child. Try to think of some things that he can actually do to help both before and after the birth. Perhaps he can help both mother and child. Any tasks he can do to feel some ownership could possibly be helpful. Perhaps even more important than that, of course, is to continue to give him as much attention as you can under the circumstances.

I have two grown boys and not a lot of answers to what it takes to be as lucky as I have been.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 4:12 pm

Just make him feel that this is all his fault and that you have stopped loving him entirely, and are having the new addition because you now need to have someone to replace him. He'll snap back into line... or he won't, and we'll see you all on Jerry Springer soon... (better lose your front teeth and buy a trailer!)

tubacdk · Post by **tubacdk** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 4:44 pm

Uncle Buck wrote:OK, this is WAY off topic, but I will desparately accept any advice on this issue that is casting a very ominous cloud over my family life in the near future.

Child #1, David, will be 25 months old when Child #2, probably to be named Amy, comes in January. David is already deeply into the terrible twos, and the attention neediness, jealousy, etc. that we thought was under control a few months ago is back in full force.

Any suggestions appreciated.

Peter was 24 mos 11 days when Caleb was born. We spent a lot of time telling him about Baby Brother in Mama's tummy, bought him a little boy babydoll to play with, and got a couple of "Mama's gonna have a baby" type books. We liked this one pretty well http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/069401 ... s&v=glance
and REALLY liked this one
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/031678 ... s&v=glance
Peter likes to sit & read books with his parents, so I think those books helped quite a bit. We made every effort possible so that Peter wouldn't feel replaced by his little brother. We moved his carseat over to one side of the back seat months before Caleb was due, then put Caleb's carseat base in the car a couple weeks before he was due. We try and make sure that Peter still gets really good one on one time with me and also with my wife.

We also let Peter approach Caleb at his own pace. We didn't have Peter come to the hospital to meet Caleb, we waited until we brought Caleb home. We came home and put Caleb to sleep in his bassinet. Then we had my in-laws bring Peter home from their house and come in to hang out with Faith (my wife) and me. After a little while, we told him that we brought Baby Brother home from the hospital and we asked if he wanted to see him. I think at first he said no, then when we asked him maybe 10mins later he said yes. I went to the bedroom to get him while Faith sat with Peter. When I brought him out, Peter was pretty much uninterested. He went about his business playing and all that. We asked him if he wanted to hold him or give him a kiss, he said no. it wasn't until maybe 4-5 hours later that Peter started to be interested. It was at that point that he wanted to hold Caleb, give him hugs, all that.

Caleb is just over a month old now, and the transition is still going pretty well. There are definitely times when Peter demands attention that he just can't get as Faith is nursing Caleb or something like that... we just try and be as consistent with Peter as we can, and give him all the attention we're able to give him. We give him lots of opportunities to be a "big boy."

I can't think of anything else to mention at this point.

kids are great!

-ck

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 5:17 pm

Guess it's too late for my solution at this point.
We waited 5years and 9months between kids.
Not by choice, ovarian cancer was involved. (all better now

)

Lew · Post by **Lew** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 6:08 pm

Ours were 19 months apart and the key was to make sure to spend as much or more time with child #1 after child #2 came along. I know it will be difficult, but you should find ways to get away just with #1 so that he doesn't feel that #2 has taken anything away from him.

Tubaryan12 · Post by **Tubaryan12** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 6:15 pm

windshieldbug wrote:Just make him feel that this is all his fault and that you have stopped loving him entirely, and are having the new addition because you now need to have someone to replace him. He'll snap back into line... or he won't, and we'll see you all on Jerry Springer soon... (better lose your front teeth and buy a trailer!)

Sir, you have said many things on tubenet and this is by far the funniest. Btw....do you know Uncle Buck?...If not, how do you know if he has any teeth or what kind of house he lives in?

All kidding aside, I have to side with the keep the kid busy camp. Unless Child #1 has a violent streak I don't think it will be as bad as you think. Remember...he will be 3 months older when little sister gets here

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 6:23 pm

windshieldbug wrote:Just make him feel that this is all his fault and that you have stopped loving him entirely, and are having the new addition because you now need to have someone to replace him. He'll snap back into line... or he won't, and we'll see you all on Jerry Springer soon... (better lose your front teeth and buy a trailer!)

Also, let him know he wasn't the first kid you and your wife have had. Get some frames at Wal-Mart and point out his older and since departed sibling.

Tubaryan12 · Post by **Tubaryan12** » Thu Oct 20, 2005 12:37 am

Brassdad wrote: Also, let him know he wasn't the first kid you and your wife have had. Get some frames at Wal-Mart and point out his older and since departed sibling.

Nice touch!

Joe Baker · Post by **Joe Baker** » Thu Oct 20, 2005 9:29 am

Avoid the issue of competition ENTIRELY. It isn't "Mommy and Daddy are going to get another child in addition to you", it's "Our family is getting a new member". The new child isn't a peer/competitor to the older child, but more like a new toy for the whole family to enjoy. Be sure to mention that "We have so much fun with ONE child -- you -- it'll be even more fun with TWO."

At two, a boy may not like the idea of having responsibility for the new baby. He will in a year or two (and he might now), when there is teaching to be done, but tread lightly on this one. Let him know that his help is welcome, but don't force the issue. You don't want to make him feel like the new baby is the princess and he's now the hired help -- something boys at this age are prone to feeling, in my experience. Girls have a maternal instinct, even at this age, and take to being "little mamas" a lot more easily.

The fact that you are thinking about how to do it right says you care, and when you care you are pretty much bound to do a fine job. Congratulations, and good luck!
____________________________
Joe Baker, who adds, "... but remember, they'll still be surly teenagers in 13 years!"

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Thu Oct 20, 2005 1:25 pm

Joe Baker wrote: Joe Baker, who adds, "... but remember, they'll still be surly teenagers in 13 years!"

So true! Sad, isn't it?

tubacdk · Post by **tubacdk** » Thu Oct 20, 2005 1:28 pm

Joe Baker wrote: At two, a boy may not like the idea of having responsibility for the new baby. He will in a year or two (and he might now), when there is teaching to be done, but tread lightly on this one. Let him know that his help is welcome, but don't force the issue. You don't want to make him feel like the new baby is the princess and he's now the hired help -- something boys at this age are prone to feeling, in my experience.

ditto. we've been making a point of not forcing anything Caleb-related with Peter. The less we can make Peter feel like Caleb is infringing on his life, the better. After all, he has been the center of attention for his ENTIRE life. But that being said, more often than not Peter is very glad to be helpful and the "big boy." But ya, we definitely don't force the issue.

-ck

Uncle Buck · Post by **Uncle Buck** » Thu Oct 20, 2005 1:48 pm

Tubaryan12 wrote: Btw....do you know Uncle Buck?...If not, how do you know if he has any teeth or what kind of house he lives in?

Well, I still have all my teeth, but I did grow up in southwest Arkansas.

I appreciate all the input. I'll add all of these as appendices to that "How to be a Parent" book they give you at the hospital after having a baby . . .

MaryAnn · Post by **MaryAnn** » Thu Oct 20, 2005 3:39 pm

I like the comments about not pushing the issue; my only vaguely parallel experience was a stint at being a step-mom. The 8 year old had a fit when he met me....told me I was ugly and similar things, the worst he could think of, trying to drive me off. I basically ignored it all and just waited for him to come around, and didn't force myself on him or force him to act like he liked me. When he did come around, which took a while, we ended up good friends. But I had to give him considerable leeway and understand where he was coming from. I'm convinced that, in that case, punishment or forcing the issue would have escalated the situation instead of allowing it to resolve in its own time.

MA

Pippen · Post by **Pippen** » Tue Oct 25, 2005 10:18 pm

Advice from a mom: I had it in mind to involve the oldest but found from The School of Hard Knocks that things went much easier when we didn't make a big deal about the baby that was to come. At age two it's near impossible to grasp onto what's going to happen not to mention that it's going to happen at X distance into the future which is a foreign concept to them.

With some kids the more they hear mom and dad going on and on about the baby, the more insecure they get creating a backfire effect. When I saw this happening with my oldest I backed down in talking about the baby and shut the nursery door and he calmed down. When baby 3 was due I played it low key with my then two year old and saw far less of the behavioral issues. I waited until fairly late to get the baby's things out and didn't make a stink if he messed with them. His only real beef with his new baby sister is that she had a *pink* pacifier and he wanted it!

Another piece of advice if he's going through a needy, jealous period is to stage a preemptive attack. From a very early age most kids have a very keen sense on when mom is drained/tired/busy/stressed/preoccupied with another child/all of the above and *that's* when they are most likely to come down with a whopping case of The Needies. Often the best solution here is to clear the calendar for a few days and instead of waiting for them to act up and demand attention, dole out ample amounts of attention initiated by the parents instead.

Lastly, as daunting as this seems now, virtually all parents and siblings survive this and live to tell about it.
Good luck.
Lisa

TubeNet

Getting child #1 ready for child #2

Getting child #1 ready for child #2

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