Worst. Jokes. Ever.

[OldsRecording]

An Austrian musicologist managed to discover the exact location of Mozart's grave. He dug up the remains of the renowned composer and was shocked to discover Mozart sitting up in his coffin working furiously with staff paper and an eraser. "Herr Mozart, but what are you doing?" said the man. Mozart replied, "Shhhh! I'm decomposing!"

[windshieldbug]

An Austrian musicologist managed to discover the exact location of Mozart's grave. He dug up the remains of the renowned composer and was shocked to discover Mozart sitting up in his coffin working furiously with staff paper and an eraser. "Herr Mozart, but what are you doing?" said the man. Mozart replied, "Shhhh! I'm decomposing!"

Perish the thought! Listen to the decay on those notes!

[imperialbari]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE....... it's all in a point of view !!!!!

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul Afghanistan,
several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily
walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the
women are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, 'Land Mines.'
No matter what language you speak or where you go:
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE IS A SMART WOMAN


I don’t agree with the morale of the above, yet liked the construction of the plot.

K

[tubatooter1940]

Best way to get kids really clean?
Bleach 'em.

[imperialbari]

Best way to get kids really clean?
Bleach 'em.

You cook them in blueing?

K

[tubatooter1940]

Best way to get kids really clean?
Bleach 'em.

You cook them in blueing?

K

Whatever it takes, sir.

[pwhitaker]

A man with no arms answered an ad in his local paper for a bell-ringer position at the local church. The priest did not want to allow him to try to ring the bell, but the man persisted and they went up into the bell tower. The man went to the opposite corner of the tower and ran at the bell as fast as he could and struck it with his head, making a beautiful tone. The priest was impressed and asked if he could repeat the process. This time the man did not hit the bell squarely, slipped sideways and fell off the bell tower to his death on the pavement below. A policeman arrived and asked the priest for the victim's name. The priest said, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

If you are really sadistic you can follow (either immediately or 6 months later) with the sequel joke about the man's younger brother who also had no arms and answered a bell ringer's ad for the same church a year or so later. The priest naturally refused to let another armless man try to ring the bell but after much cajoling, wheedling and begging from the applicant agreed to allow him to try it. Exactly the same sequence of events transpired. When the policeman arrived on the scene the priest said, "I don't know his name either, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Sorry ...

[The Jackson]

And then there's the one about the nuclear physicist who always had an ingot of U-235 pressed against his ear because he liked listening to heavy metal...

[The Jackson]

There was a man who, every week, would buy himself one lottery ticket. When he filled out his numbers on the tickets, he always used a fat-tip, jet black Sharpie-brand permanent marker. This went on for some time, and the store clerk finally asked the man why he always had that huge marker with him to fill out the lotto numbers.

The man replied, "Well, you know, fortune favors the bold..."

[pwhitaker]

And then there's the famous story about Roy Rogers on his way back to the ranch from town where he had just purchased a very fancy pair of well-tooled boots. He camped out overnight because the ranch was quite a distance from the town. As he was sleeping a mountain lion grabbed Roy's new boots (probably attracted by the smell) and tore them to shreds. Roy awoke and chased him off by shooting at him, but missing. When Roy arrived home he immediately went back out in pursuit of the lion and finally bagged him about 3 days later. When he arrived back at the ranch with the lion's carcass draped over a pack horse's back Dale Evans came running out and said .. (wait for it ...) "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

[The Jackson]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Well, the demon wasn't going to exorcise it self, was it?

[OldsRecording]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Well, the demon wasn't going to exorcise it self, was it?

As Einstein may have said: "Did the chicken cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?"

[windshieldbug]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To give tubists something else to debate besides equipment.

[tubatooter1940]

How did the dead baby cross the road?
Somebody stapled it to a chicken.

[eupher61]

A woman goes into a pharmacy, walks up the counter and says "I want to buy some arsenic" "What do you want THAT for?" says the pharmacist.

"I'm going to kill my husband" answers the woman. "I can't help you, ma'am...that's illegal" says the druggist.

The woman opens her purse, shows the druggist a picture of her husband, in bed with a woman who happens to be the pharmacist's wife.

"Oh, well, since you have a prescription..."

[tubatooter1940]

I told this awful joke about epilepsy to a lady at the post office. She, an epileptic, was so offended she chastised me about it.
I turned on the old charm and we became friends. She almost married my son.

Whaddya do if an epileptic is having a seizure in your swimming pool?
Throw in your laundry and some detergent.

[The Jackson]

Perantucci makes quite a versatile line of mouthpieces. A lot of folks like the PT-88. Here on TubeNet, "bloke" likes the PT-109.

I, myself, prefer the P. T. Barnum.

[PWtuba]

Perantucci makes quite a versatile line of mouthpieces. A lot of folks like the PT-88. Here on TubeNet, "bloke" likes the PT-109.

I, myself, prefer the P. T. Barnum.

THAT was bad.

[tubatooter1940]

A young man made an appointment to see a urologist.
He expected the doctor to be a man but was surprised to see she was an extremely beautiful woman.
He thought the examination was going well until she told him he would have to stop masturbating.
He asked her, "Why". She replied, "Because I haven't finished examining you yet."

[WVUtubaman12]

Two Tuba players walk past a bar...